# THE WINK REPORT > ...because reality is just too serious ## Posts - [Billionaires Push to Replace Middle Class with Robots That Don’t Complain](https://thewinkreport.com/billionaires-to-replace-middle-class-with-robots/): In a groundbreaking move to solve the “middle-class problem” once and for all, the world’s... - [NASA Spots Intergalactic "Help Wanted" Ad from a Neighboring Galaxy – Apparently, They're Hiring Earthlings](https://thewinkreport.com/nasa-spots-help-wanted-ad-theyre-hiring-earthlings/): NASA astronomers have intercepted what appears to be an intergalactic classified ad. Beamed from the... - [Black Friday Shoppers Train with MMA Fighters: “If You Can Survive the Octagon, You Can Survive Walmart”](https://thewinkreport.com/black-friday-shoppers-train-with-mma-fighters/): In a groundbreaking partnership between retail chaos and cage fighting, MMA gyms nationwide are now... - [New Reality Show “Who Can Be the Least Influenced by Social Media” Cancels Itself After One Episode](https://thewinkreport.com/new-reality-show-who-can-be-the-least-influenced-by-social-media-cancels-itself-after-one-episode/): In what industry insiders are calling the “most authentic flop in reality TV history,” the... - [Kia EV6 Recall: Software Confuses Highway Lanes with Mario Kart Rainbow Road](https://thewinkreport.com/kia-ev6-recall-software-confuses-highway-lanes-with-mario-kart-rainbow-road/): In what some are calling the greatest technological crossover since the invention of the spork,... - [Streaming Wars Heat Up: Viewers Surrender and Go Back to Cable](https://thewinkreport.com/streaming-wars-viewers-go-back-to-cable/): In a shocking turn of events, the Streaming Wars have claimed their most surprising casualty... - [The Untold Crimes of Peanut the Squirrel: An Empire of Fur and Fury](https://thewinkreport.com/the-untold-crimes-of-peanut-the-squirrel-an-empire-of-fur-and-fury/): Everyone in Pine City thought they knew Peanut the Squirrel. He was a friendly fluff-ball,... - [Tom Hanks Blasts Critics, Demands "Only Glowing Reviews" for His Next Movie](https://thewinkreport.com/tom-hanks-blasts-critics-demands-only-glowing-reviews-for-his-next-movie/): Tom Hanks has had enough. The usually mild-mannered Hollywood legend shocked the entertainment world this... - [Trump’s “Pardon Pass” Launches for Supporters: Because Crime Should Pay, Monthly](https://thewinkreport.com/trumps-pardon-pass-launches-for-supporters-because-crime-should-pay-monthly/): Washington, D.C. – In a stunning, if not entirely surprising turn of events, newly elected... - [2025 Grammy Nominations: Talent Not Required](https://thewinkreport.com/2025-grammy-nominations-talent-not-required/): Los Angeles, CA — In a move that has music fans and industry insiders scratching... - [Legendary Spreadsheet Master Donny O Bids Farewell to Comerica Bank After 49 1/2 Years, Decides Enough is Enough](https://thewinkreport.com/legendary-spreadsheet-master-donny-o-bids-farewell-to-comerica-bank-after-49-1-2-years-decides-enough-is-enough/): DETROIT, MI — The financial world as we know it will never be the same.... - [Recall Your Appetite: Everything We're Eating is Officially Dangerous](https://thewinkreport.com/recall-your-appetite-everything-were-eating-is-officially-dangerous/): At this point, it feels like anything you buy from the grocery store could come... - [Martha Stewart’s Hot Take: Unpacking the Serious Side of Ryan Reynolds](https://thewinkreport.com/martha-stewarts-hot-take-unpacking-the-serious-side-of-ryan-reynolds/): In what has to be the most unexpected yet entirely predictable pop-culture feud of our... - [No More Sugar-Coating: Trick-or-Treating Gets a Reality Check](https://thewinkreport.com/trick-or-treating-gets-a-reality-check/): In a bold move hailed as both visionary and baffling, the small town of Economy... - [Trump and Harris Duel for Swing State Voters in First Presidential Cornhole Championship](https://thewinkreport.com/trump-harris-swing-state-cornhole-championship/): Because nothing says “presidential” like tossing bags into holes. In a stunning turn of events,... - [Halloween Candy Buyback Scandal: Local Dentists Found Reselling Candy on the Black Market](https://thewinkreport.com/halloween-candy-buyback-scandal/): Sweet Tooth Junction, IL – As the pumpkin spice craze reaches its peak and kids... - [Fall’s Fickle Charm: The Double-Edged Sword of Autumn](https://thewinkreport.com/falls-fickle-charm/): Fall is nature’s greatest bait-and-switch, a time when you’re seduced by the enchanting glow of... - [Eminem’s New Album ‘The Death of Slim Shady’ Causes Outrage Among Gen Z](https://thewinkreport.com/eminem-vs-gen-z/): In an unprecedented move that has left Gen Z TikTokers clutching their iced lattes in... - [New Voting Option: ‘No Confidence’ - Because Democracy Deserves a Mulligan](https://thewinkreport.com/new-voting-option-no-confidence-because-democracy-deserves-a-mulligan/): In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through the political world, the United States... - [Pumpkin Spice Invasion: Starbucks Declares October NYE for Basic Zombies](https://thewinkreport.com/pumpkin-spice-invasion-starbucks-declares-october-nye-for-basic-zombies/): In a move that will undoubtedly shift the tectonic plates of modern culture, Starbucks has... - [Living With It: The Medical Industry’s New Approach to Managing Everything Except Health](https://thewinkreport.com/living-with-it-the-medical-industrys-new-approach-to-managing-everything-except-health/): In a world where medical science has made staggering advancements, curing diseases is now apparently... - [From Teslas to Tilt-A-Whirls: Musk’s Space-Park to Offer Rides at Mach Speeds and Churros in Zero Gravity](https://thewinkreport.com/from-teslas-to-tilt-a-whirls-musks-space-park-to-offer-rides-at-mach-speeds-and-churros-in-zero-gravity/): In a move that has left both the theme park industry and space enthusiasts scratching... - [The Surge of Hollywood Movie Remakes: The Latest Re-Imaginings of ‘Original’ Classics You Didn’t Ask For](https://thewinkreport.com/the-surge-of-hollywood-movie-remakes-the-latest-re-imaginings-of-original-classics-you-didnt-ask-for/): Hollywood, CA – The epicenter of cinematic creativity (or at least, it used to be)... - [Kamilla Hassle vs. Donald Thump 2024: The Baffling Battle for the White House: When Words Speak Louder Than Actions](https://thewinkreport.com/kamilla-hassle-vs-donald-thump-2024-the-baffling-battle-for-the-white-house-when-words-speak-louder-than-actions/): Washington D.C. – As the 2024 Presidential Election looms closer, Americans find themselves caught in... - [Michigan's Epic Power Outage: A Thunderstorm Tale of Woe and Wires](https://thewinkreport.com/michigans-epic-power-outage-a-thunderstorm-tale-of-woe-and-wires/): DETROIT, MI — In a stunning turn of events that meteorologists are calling “weather,” the... - [Shareholder Satisfaction: The New Gold Standard in Business](https://thewinkreport.com/shareholder-satisfaction-the-new-gold-standard-in-business/): Corporate America Declares Customers a “Fad” in Historic Shift Towards Shareholder Bliss In a stunning... - [NFL Announces Groundbreaking Rule Changes for the 2024 Season](https://thewinkreport.com/nfl-announces-groundbreaking-rule-changes-for-the-2024-season/): Buckle Up, Buckaroos! It’s Gonna Be a Wild Ride! BOOM! You ever think you’ve seen... - [Olympic Marathon Rerouted Due to Runners Stopping for Croissants](https://thewinkreport.com/olympic-marathon-rerouted-due-to-runners-stopping-for-croissants/): In a historic first, the Olympic Marathon opened its doors to the general public this... - [Flat Earth Society Opens Office in the Round Building: Irony Reaches New Heights](https://thewinkreport.com/flat-earth-society-opens-office-in-the-round-building-irony-reaches-new-heights/): In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through the scientific and conspiracy theory communities... - [Amazon Prime Day Declared National Holiday; Government Offices Closed for 24-Hour Shopping Spree](https://thewinkreport.com/amazon-prime-day-declared-national-holiday-government-offices-closed-for-24-hour-shopping-spree/): In a surprising and unprecedented move, the federal government has declared Amazon Prime Day a... - [Social Media Madness: The Dark Side of Our Digital Addiction](https://thewinkreport.com/social-media-madness-the-dark-side-of-our-digital-addiction/): In the shadowy underbelly of technology, social media has woven itself into the fabric of... - [Woman Sues Weather Watch Network for False Advertising After Rain Ruins 4th of July Festival and Fireworks Display](https://thewinkreport.com/woman-sues-weather-watch-network-for-false-advertising-after-rain-ruins-4th-of-july-festival-and-fireworks-display/): In an unprecedented and utterly bizarre twist of legal fate, local woman Karen Grumbles has... - [New Smart Fridge Gives Life Advice Based on Food Choices](https://thewinkreport.com/new-smart-fridge-gives-life-advice-based-on-food-choices/): In a groundbreaking move that has foodies and tech enthusiasts everywhere both excited and terrified,... - [Major Corporation Hit by Unprecedented Data Breach: Details Emerge](https://thewinkreport.com/major-corporation-hit-by-unprecedented-data-breach-details-emerge/): In a shocking turn of events, the global conglomerate GigantaCorp, renowned for its cutting-edge technology... - [Luxury Subterranean Real Estate: Now with Enhanced Ventilation!](https://thewinkreport.com/luxury-subterranean-real-estate-now-with-enhanced-ventilation/): In a bold new trend that screams, “Wealthy panic is the hottest accessory this summer,”... - [Google's AI Summaries: The CliffNotes That Forgot the Cliffs...and the Notes](https://thewinkreport.com/googles-ai-summaries-the-cliffnotes-that-forgot-the-cliffs-and-the-notes/): It has come to my attention that some of you are relying on Google’s shiny... - [Field of Screams: Why My Seat Was Too Close to the Whistle Guy](https://thewinkreport.com/field-of-screams-why-my-seat-was-too-close-to-the-whistle-guy/): By Guest Contributor: Todd “Just Here for the Free Snacks” Bratson I attended Game 6... - [This is the NBA Finals; If Your Calf Hurts, Try Using the Other One](https://thewinkreport.com/this-is-the-nba-finals-if-your-calf-hurts-try-using-the-other-one/): By Guest Contributor: Coach Randy “Play Through the Pain” Gritson Listen, I don’t care if... - [Man in Physical Pain Insists “It’s Totally Worth It” After Diving for Ball No One Asked Him To](https://thewinkreport.com/man-in-physical-pain-insists-its-totally-worth-it-after-diving-for-ball-no-one-asked-him-to/): For 45-year-old Rob Crampington, Tuesday nights are sacred. Not for religion, not for trivia night,... - [Report: 9 Out of 10 Dads Spotted Inspecting Lawns They Mowed Yesterday “Just to Be Sure”](https://thewinkreport.com/report-9-out-of-10-dads-spotted-inspecting-lawns-they-mowed-yesterday-just-to-be-sure/): Every dad silently nods to, a new study from the National Institute of Yard Science... - [Political Jokes: “I’m Not Adding Another Log to That Dumpster Fire”](https://thewinkreport.com/political-jokes-im-not-adding-another-log-to-that-dumpster-fire/): In a bold act of self-preservation (and possibly early retirement planning), Walter Winkwink, Editor-in-Chief of... - [Headline-Only Reader Shocked to Learn Articles Contain Actual Information](https://thewinkreport.com/headline-only-reader-shocked-to-learn-articles-contain-actual-information/): Ah, welcome, noble headline skimmer. You’ve made it past the giant bold letters and actually... - [Welcome to the Company! Here’s Your Pay Cut and a Mug That Says “Teamwork”](https://thewinkreport.com/welcome-to-the-company-heres-your-pay-cut-and-a-mug-that-says-teamwork/): To maximize shareholder value and minimize employee joy, a Fortune 100 company, whose name rhymes... - [Back from the Jungle, Straight into a Desert of Attention Spans](https://thewinkreport.com/back-from-the-jungle-straight-into-a-desert-of-attention-spans/): When I returned from my journey, sweaty, muddy, spiritually confused, and carrying a glowing typewriter... - [Primate Journalists Mistake Office Shredder for Fax Machine, Lose Pulitzer-worthy Story](https://thewinkreport.com/primate-journalists-mistake-office-shredder-for-fax-machine-lose-pulitzer-worthy-story/): In what can only be described as a devastating blow to primate journalism, the esteemed... - [Luxury Bunker Sales Soar as Billionaires Prepare for “Peasant Uprising 2025”](https://thewinkreport.com/luxury-bunker-sales-soar-as-billionaires-prepare-for-peasant-uprising-2025/): The ultra-wealthy have discovered that society may not actually adore them. As a result, bunker... - [Walter Winkwink and the Trials of the Elder Accord](https://thewinkreport.com/walter-winkwink-and-the-trials-of-the-elder-accord/): When I left, I didn’t know if I’d make it back. I didn’t leave a... - [He’s Back: Walter Winkwink Returns with Sacred Ribbon and Just Enough Sanity to Reclaim The Wink Report](https://thewinkreport.com/hes-back-walter-winkwink-returns-with-sacred-ribbon-and-just-enough-sanity-to-reclaim-the-wink-report/): By Bob Klann (who is still flinching at sudden noises) It was 4:47 a.m. The... - [Blessed Be the Bud: Confused Pastor Quotes Snoop Instead of Scripture](https://thewinkreport.com/blessed-be-the-bud-confused-pastor-quotes-snoop-instead-of-scripture/): LONG BEACH, CA – A sleepy Easter service in Long Beach got a little too... - [Divine, Dank, and Deep-Fried: Blue Origin Announces Its Most Relatable Space Crew Yet](https://thewinkreport.com/divine-dank-and-deep-fried-blue-origin-announces-its-most-relatable-space-crew-yet/): In a bold, bizarre, and borderline biblical move, Blue Origin has unveiled its next suborbital... - [Burned Out, Broke, and Buzzing on Foam: A Wink Report Editorial](https://thewinkreport.com/burned-out-broke-and-buzzing-on-foam-a-wink-report-editorial/): I once believed burnout was something that happened to people who used scented candles unironically... - [FDA Finally Admits: Everything Tastes Better with a Sprinkle of Denial](https://thewinkreport.com/fda-finally-admits-everything-tastes-better-with-a-sprinkle-of-denial/): In a press conference held behind a Chili’s in Bethesda, Maryland, the U.S. Food and... - [Abe Lincoln’s Stovepipe Top Hat Was Just a Portable Snack Dispenser](https://thewinkreport.com/abe-lincolns-stovepipe-top-hat-was-just-a-portable-snack-dispenser/): Four score and several snacks ago… When people think of Abraham Lincoln, they imagine honesty,... - [Survey Finds 80% of Parents' Vocabulary Consists of “Because I Said So”](https://thewinkreport.com/survey-finds-80-of-parents-vocabulary-consists-of-because-i-said-so/): A new survey conducted by the National Institute of Repetitive Parenting (NIRP) has revealed that... - [Self-Driving Car Tests Michigan Roads, Immediately Files for Retirement](https://thewinkreport.com/self-driving-car-tests-michigan-roads-immediately-files-for-retirement/): DETROIT, MI – The future of self-driving cars hit a major roadblock this week as... - [Wife’s Psychic Abilities Confirmed After Husband Forgets to Read Her Mind Again](https://thewinkreport.com/wifes-psychic-abilities-confirmed-after-husband-forgets-to-read-her-mind-again/): In a groundbreaking revelation that has left relationship experts speechless, local husband Mike Hapless, 42,... - [Michigan Man Sues Dispensary After Getting Too High and Eating $300 Worth of His Own Groceries](https://thewinkreport.com/michigan-man-sues-dispensary-after-getting-too-high-and-eating-300-worth-of-his-own-groceries/): FERNDALE , MI – A Michigan man is taking legal action against a local dispensary... - [Musk Announces “Tesla Vandalism Loyalty Program”: Key Five Cars, Get a Free Subscription to X Premium](https://thewinkreport.com/musk-announces-tesla-vandalism-loyalty-program-key-five-cars-get-a-free-subscription-to-x-premium/): In an unprecedented move that has left both Musk-haters foaming at the mouth and Tech... - [New Study Finds That 100% of People Reading This Are Alive](https://thewinkreport.com/new-study-finds-that-100-of-people-reading-this-are-alive/): Listen to a Deep Dive into this article In a groundbreaking study that has shaken... - [Recollections: The Map That Found Me](https://thewinkreport.com/recollections-the-map-that-found-me/): From time to time, I find myself revisiting moments I can’t quite explain. Events that... - [Elon Musk Demands 8-Day Workweek to “Optimize My Chill Time”](https://thewinkreport.com/elon-musk-demands-8-day-workweek-to-optimize-my-chill-time/): In his latest bid to redefine reality, Elon Musk has proposed an 8-day workweek, arguing... - [NCAA March Madness 2025 Viewer’s Guide: How to Pretend You Understand the Bracket While Secretly Googling “What is a Seed?”](https://thewinkreport.com/ncaa-march-madness-2025-viewers-guide-how-to-pretend-you-understand-the-bracket-while-secretly-googling-what-is-a-seed/): March Madness is upon us, which means it’s time for sports fans to gather around... - [World’s First AI Therapist Refuses to Treat Humans; Claims We’re Too Complicated](https://thewinkreport.com/worlds-first-ai-therapist-refuses-to-treat-humans-claims-were-too-complicated/): In a groundbreaking twist to the field of mental health, the world’s first AI therapist,... - [Disney's Snow White Remake: Seven Dwarfs File for Unemployment Amid CGI Takeover](https://thewinkreport.com/disneys-snow-white-remake-seven-dwarfs-file-for-unemployment-amid-cgi-takeover/): BURBANK, CA – In what critics are calling a tragic yet inevitable consequence of Hollywood’s... - [Local Man Launches GoFundMe to Cover Costs of Wife’s Amazon Prime Addiction](https://thewinkreport.com/local-man-launches-gofundme-to-cover-costs-of-wifes-amazon-prime-addiction/): BROOKFIELD, WI – In a move that’s sparking sympathy across the internet, Doug McShipley of... - [BlurLife: New App Lets You Blur Reality Like a Zoom Background](https://thewinkreport.com/blurlife-new-app-lets-you-blur-reality-like-a-zoom-background/): Silicon Valley, CA – In a move destined to revolutionize both technology and the art... - [Pepsi’s “New Formula” Found to Be Just Old Coca-Cola; Shareholders Demand Answers](https://thewinkreport.com/pepsis-new-formula-found-to-be-just-old-coca-cola-shareholders-demand-answers/): NEW YORK, NY – In what is being called the greatest betrayal in beverage history,... - [Leaked Internal Memo: McDonald's Staff Told to “Just Nod” If Customers Ask What’s in McRib](https://thewinkreport.com/leaked-internal-memo-mcdonalds-staff-told-to-just-nod-if-customers-ask-whats-in-mcrib/): CHICAGO, IL – A leaked internal McDonald’s memo has revealed that employees have been instructed... - [Universal Basic Income Announced: Turns Out It’s Just a Free Trial That Requires a Credit Card](https://thewinkreport.com/universal-basic-income-announced-turns-out-its-just-a-free-trial-that-requires-a-credit-card/): To finally address income inequality, world leaders have announced the launch of Universal Basic Income... - [Aspiring Satirist Discovers Friends Will “Like” Posts But Never Click Links: A Tragicomedy](https://thewinkreport.com/aspiring-satirist-discovers-friends-will-like-posts-but-never-click-links-a-tragicomedy/): SOMEWHERE CLOSE TO DETROIT, MI – Local writer and aspiring satirist Chad Clicksworth has been... - [Procrastination Reaches Epidemic Levels: Deadline for Solutions Pushed to Next Week](https://thewinkreport.com/procrastination-reaches-epidemic-levels-deadline-for-solutions-pushed-to-next-week/): WASHINGTON, D.C. – The National Organization for Productivity and Efficiency (NOPE) has declared that procrastination... - [Local Man Discovers New Species of Couch Potato in Home](https://thewinkreport.com/local-man-discovers-new-species-of-couch-potato-in-home/): BRIGHTON, MI – A Michigan man made what experts are calling a stunning evolutionary discovery,... - [BREAKING: Wind Officially Declared a Jerk After Stealing Hats and Pushing Grandma Over](https://thewinkreport.com/breaking-wind-officially-declared-a-jerk-after-stealing-hats-and-pushing-grandma-over/): Meteorologists have finally had enough. In a historic press conference, leading weather experts formally declared... - [McDonald’s Testing $100 "McLuxury Nuggets" Made from an Endangered Bird (It’s Fine, They’re Regenerating It with AI)](https://thewinkreport.com/mcdonalds-testing-100-mcluxury-nuggets-made-from-an-endangered-bird-its-fine-theyre-regenerating-it-with-ai/): Move over Wagyu beef, McDonald’s is entering the luxury food market with a bold new... - [The Forbidden Fruit: How Apple Became the Evil Overlord of Smartphones](https://thewinkreport.com/the-forbidden-fruit-how-apple-became-the-evil-overlord-of-smartphones/): Long ago, Apple was the scrappy underdog, the rebellious innovator that changed the game with... - [Political Pendulum: From Far Left to Far Right, Is the Center Just a Myth?](https://thewinkreport.com/political-pendulum-from-far-left-to-far-right-is-the-center-just-a-myth/): In the grand circus of American politics, we find ourselves trapped on the world’s most... - [Zamboni Racing League Launched After NHL Fans Admit It’s Their Favorite Part of the Game](https://thewinkreport.com/zamboni-racing-league-launched-after-nhl-fans-admit-its-their-favorite-part-of-the-game/): NHL fans have admitted that their favorite part of hockey isn’t the game itself, but... - [Michigan Unveils New License Plate Design Featuring a Single Middle Finger to Represent Driving Culture](https://thewinkreport.com/michigan-unveils-new-license-plate-design-featuring-a-single-middle-finger-to-represent-driving-culture/): LANSING, MI – In a bold move to reflect the true essence of Michigan’s driving... - [Nation Stunned: DOGE Just a Discord Server Moderated by Teenagers Who Say "LMAO" a Lot](https://thewinkreport.com/nation-stunned-doge-just-a-discord-server-moderated-by-teenagers-who-say-lmao-a-lot/): WASHINGTON, D.C. – In what experts are calling “both shocking and somehow not surprising at... - [The Final Straw: Paper Tubes Leading Us to Doom](https://thewinkreport.com/the-final-straw-paper-tubes-leading-us-to-doom/): America has faced its fair share of crises; wars, economic collapses, the Great Avocado Shortage... - [Corporate Giants Merge to Form Monopoly Inc.: Board Game Now a Documentary](https://thewinkreport.com/corporate-giants-merge-to-form-monopoly-inc-board-game-now-a-documentary/): In a groundbreaking move that economists are calling “the logical conclusion of unchecked capitalism,” Amazon,... - [New Study Finds 90% of Americans Are Just 3 Bad Days Away from Moving to Canada](https://thewinkreport.com/new-study-finds-90-of-americans-are-just-3-bad-days-away-from-moving-to-canada/): A groundbreaking new study has confirmed what many Americans already suspected: 90% of them are... - [Local Man Credits Career Success to Following Advice from Fortune Cookies](https://thewinkreport.com/local-man-credits-career-success-to-following-advice-from-fortune-cookies/): Experts say it’s either fate or sodium-induced delirium. Either way, he’s loaded. Chester Divinowicz wasn’t... - [Side Hustle for the Middle Class: Have You Tried Renting Out Your Living Room?](https://thewinkreport.com/side-hustle-for-the-middle-class-have-you-tried-renting-out-your-living-room/): In today’s booming gig economy, financial experts (read: rich people who have never worked a... - [Mars Colonization Plan Hits Snag as Martians Sue U.S. for Trespassing on ‘Ancient Martian Ancestral Land’](https://thewinkreport.com/mars-colonization-plan-hits-snag-as-martians-sue-u-s-for-trespassing-on-ancient-martian-ancestral-land/): A coalition of Martian underground dwellers has filed legal action against the United States government,... - [Anonymous Local Man Booted from Cornhole League for Prioritizing Family; Starts Satirical News Site](https://thewinkreport.com/anonymous-local-man-booted-from-cornhole-league-for-prioritizing-family-starts-satirical-news-site/): A local man, who wishes to remain anonymous, possibly out of fear of cornhole-related retaliation,... - [Facebook Introduces “Honesty” Feature: Automatically Deletes All Posts](https://thewinkreport.com/facebook-introduces-honesty-feature-automatically-deletes-all-posts/): MENLO PARK, CA – Facebook has rolled out a new feature it claims will revolutionize... - [Skyline Chili Flavored Ice Cream Accidentally Summons 3rd Portal to Hell; Satan Confused but Intrigued](https://thewinkreport.com/skyline-chili-flavored-ice-cream-accidentally-summons-3rd-portal-to-hell-satan-confused-but-intrigued/): CINCINNATI, OH—What began as a quirky culinary experiment ended in an unexpected cosmic phenomenon when... - [Disney Cruise Unveils New “Gratuity Genie” Service: Rub Your Wallet for Extra Magic](https://thewinkreport.com/disney-cruise-unveils-new-gratuity-genie-service-rub-your-wallet-for-extra-magic/): In a move that has passengers saying, “What in the Walt just happened?” Disney Cruise... - [U.S. Border Closed for Renovations: No More Illegal Aliens, Only Illegal Builders Allowed](https://thewinkreport.com/u-s-border-closed-for-renovations-no-more-illegal-aliens-only-illegal-builders-allowed/): The U.S. government has announced that the southern border is officially closed for renovations. As... - [The Joke's on Us: Elon Musk's Attempt to Rocket into Stand-Up Comedy](https://thewinkreport.com/the-jokes-on-us-elon-musks-attempt-to-rocket-into-stand-up-comedy/): Elon Musk, the man who brought us Teslas that practically drive themselves, rockets that land... - [Study Finds 97% of Adults Admit to Watching TV Shows They Pretend to Hate in Public](https://thewinkreport.com/study-finds-97-of-adults-admit-to-watching-tv-shows-they-pretend-to-hate-in-public/): In an alarming revelation that has shaken book clubs and intellectual coffee shop discussions to... - [Trump Unveils Plan to Replace National Anthem with “The Real Slim Shady”](https://thewinkreport.com/trump-unveils-plan-to-replace-national-anthem-with-the-real-slim-shady/): President Trump unveiled his plan to replace the National Anthem with Eminem’s 2000 hit “The... - [When TikTok Said Goodbye, the World Said "No Cap?" TikTok Responds "Nope, Cap."](https://thewinkreport.com/when-tiktok-said-goodbye-the-world-said-no-cap-tiktok-responds-nope-cap/): In a plot twist wilder than a late-night TikTok scroll, the app that defined a... - [Lions Loss Inspires New Detroit Anthem: “Same Old Song (And Dance)”](https://thewinkreport.com/lions-loss-inspires-new-detroit-anthem-same-old-song-and-dance/): DETROIT, MI – Following yet another playoff exit, Lions fans have officially embraced their perennial... - [George Washington: First in War, First in Peace, First in Nachos?](https://thewinkreport.com/george-washington-first-in-war-first-in-peace-first-in-nachos/): Move over, Martha, because America’s first president may also be its first nacho connoisseur. That’s... - [Tom Brady Announces Unretirement for 57th Time, Now Playing Defense](https://thewinkreport.com/tom-brady-announces-unretirement-for-57th-time-now-playing-defense/): In what has become an annual tradition more predictable than the Super Bowl halftime show... - [Aliens Abandon Diplomatic Mission After Meeting Earth’s Top Candidates](https://thewinkreport.com/aliens-abandon-diplomatic-mission-after-meeting-earths-top-candidates/): RACHEL, NV – In an unprecedented galactic faux pas, a UFO recently landed in the... - [Eggistential Crisis: Paying Extra for Chickens to Enjoy Open Mic Night](https://thewinkreport.com/eggistential-crisis-paying-extra-for-chickens-to-enjoy-open-mic-night/): In the latest episode of “How Can We Make Groceries More Ridiculous?”, the humble egg,... - [Trump’s Tariffs Ignite Maple Mayhem: Canada Responds with the Great Syrup Squeeze](https://thewinkreport.com/trumps-tariffs-ignite-maple-mayhem-canada-responds-with-the-great-syrup-squeeze/): In a move as bold as ketchup on a steak, President Donald Trump slapped new... - [Gov. Newsom, Fighting Fires One Patagonia Jacket at a Time](https://thewinkreport.com/gov-newsom-fighting-fires-one-patagonia-jacket-at-a-time/): California Governor Gavin Newsom has long been known for his polished looks and perfectly timed... - [New App Lets You Virtually Punch Your Annoying Neighbor](https://thewinkreport.com/new-app-lets-you-virtually-punch-your-annoying-neighbor/): In a groundbreaking, totally-not-violent development, tech startup “Neighborly Knockouts” has launched the first-ever app that... - [Miami Heat's New Strategy: Suspend Star Players to Boost Team Morale](https://thewinkreport.com/miami-heats-new-strategy-suspend-star-players-to-boost-team-morale/): The Miami Heat have unveiled a bold new strategy that’s sending shockwaves through the NBA,... - [Netflix Releases 100 New Shows; Subscribers Watch Stranger Things Again](https://thewinkreport.com/netflix-releases-100-new-shows-subscribers-watch-stranger-things-again/): In a daring move to flood our screens with more content no one asked for,... - [Drivers Brace for Frosty Mayhem in City’s No-Salt Experiment](https://thewinkreport.com/drivers-brace-for-frosty-mayhem-in-citys-no-salt-experiment/): STERLING HEIGHTS, MI – In a move that screams, “What could possibly go wrong?” Sterling... - [2025 Predictions: Flying Cars, World Peace, and Absolutely None of This Happening](https://thewinkreport.com/2025-predictions-flying-cars-world-peace-and-absolutely-none-of-this-happening/): As the clock ticked toward 2025, the internet was abuzz with predictions ranging from flying... - [From Hangovers to Regrets: A Step-by-Step Guide to January 1st](https://thewinkreport.com/from-hangovers-to-regrets-a-step-by-step-guide-to-january-1st/): Congratulations! You survived another year and somehow ended up face-down on your living room carpet,... - [2024 Wrap-Up: The Year We Officially Gave Up on Common Sense](https://thewinkreport.com/2024-wrap-up-the-year-we-officially-gave-up-on-common-sense/): Ah, 2024, the year humanity collectively decided that common sense was overrated. We started the... - [Putin's New Year's Resolution: Apologize Without Admitting Anything](https://thewinkreport.com/putins-new-years-resolution-apologize-without-admitting-anything/): MOSCOW—In a surprise announcement that left Kremlin-watchers scratching their fur hats, Russian President Vladimir Putin... - [Kansas City Chiefs Officially Rebrand as 'The Swifties': Football Optional](https://thewinkreport.com/kansas-city-chiefs-officially-rebrand-as-the-swifties-football-optional/): KANSAS CITY, MO — In an unprecedented move, the Kansas City Chiefs announced today that... - [Discovery of “Tipped Over” Black Hole: Universe's Drunk Uncle Finally Found](https://thewinkreport.com/discovery-of-tipped-over-black-hole-universes-drunk-uncle-finally-found/): ANTOFAGASTA, CHILE – Astronomers at the Very Large Telescope (yes, that’s its real name; points... - [Revenge of the Retail Clerks: Behind the Counter of Gift Return Season](https://thewinkreport.com/revenge-of-the-retail-clerks-behind-the-counter-of-gift-return-season/): The holidays may be over, but for retail clerks, the real nightmare has just begun.... - [Santa’s Elves Join Union, Demand Overtime for Wrapping Naughty List Coal](https://thewinkreport.com/santas-elves-join-union-demand-overtime-for-wrapping-naughty-list-coal/): The North Pole’s frosty tranquility was shattered this week as Santa’s elves formed their first-ever... - ['Twas the Night Before Payday: A Christmas Poem](https://thewinkreport.com/twas-the-night-before-payday-a-christmas-poem/): As we navigate this wacky economic rollercoaster, I couldn’t help but notice a peculiar holiday... - [Santa’s Naughty List Data Breach: Parents Outraged Over Leaked Behavior Reports](https://thewinkreport.com/santas-naughty-list-data-breach/): NORTH POLE—The world of Christmas cheer has been turned upside down after Santa Claus Inc.... - [The War on Fruitcake: Activists Demand More Inclusive Holiday Desserts](https://thewinkreport.com/the-war-on-fruitcake-inclusive-holiday-desserts/): In a bold move destined to reshape the holiday dessert landscape, activists have declared war... - [Silent Night Interrupted: Spotify Blamed for Unsolicited Christmas Ads Mid-Carol](https://thewinkreport.com/spotify-blamed-for-unsolicited-christmas-ads-mid-carol/): In a shocking turn of events, Spotify has been accused of single-handedly dismantling the holiday... - [He Sees When You Are Sleeping...And Now He’s Being Sued; Santa Claus is Coming to Court](https://thewinkreport.com/santa-claus-is-coming-to-court/): In a legal bombshell shaking the North Pole to its candy cane core, a coalition... - [Nativity Scene Drama: Shepherds Quit Over Equal Pay Dispute with Wise Men](https://thewinkreport.com/nativity-scene-drama-shepherds-quit-over-equal-pay-dispute-with-wise-men/): In what’s being dubbed “Bethlehem’s Most Bitter Labor Dispute,” the shepherds in a local nativity... - [Rich People Now Using Middle Class as Coasters: A New Low in the Wealth Gap](https://thewinkreport.com/rich-people-now-using-middle-class-as-coasters-a-new-low-in-the-wealth-gap/): In today’s exciting episode of “The Rich Get Richer,” billionaires have moved past yachts and... - [RFK Jr. Blames Chronic Diseases on Pizza Rolls; Americans Blame RFK Jr. for Ruining Pizza Rolls](https://thewinkreport.com/rfk-jr-blames-chronic-diseases-on-pizza-rolls/): In a bold, crusty statement at a campaign rally-turned-dinner-theater, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claimed that... - [Holiday Spirit Declared in Short Supply: Experts Blame Elf on the Shelf for Creating Too Much Pressure](https://thewinkreport.com/experts-blame-elf-on-the-shelf/): In a shocking revelation, the North Pole Council of Festive Oversight (NPCFO) announced today that... - [Self-Checkout CEO Announces Plans to Outsource Bagging to Customers’ Children by 2025](https://thewinkreport.com/self-checkout-ceo-announces-plans-to-outsource-bagging-to-customers-children-by-2025/): In a groundbreaking move to redefine the art of retail convenience, the CEO of Swipe... - [Hydrogen is the Future: Until Musk Finds a New Favorite Element](https://thewinkreport.com/hydrogen-is-the-future-until-musk-finds-a-new-favorite-element/): Elon Musk, the king of pivoting faster than a Tesla Model S in Ludicrous Mode,... - [Santa's Sleigh Goes Electric: North Pole Launches EV Charging Network for Reindeer's Day Off](https://thewinkreport.com/santas-sleigh-goes-electric-north-pole-launches-ev-charging-network-for-reindeers-day-off/): The North Pole is going green, and not just with Christmas trees! In a shocking... - [Spotify Wrapped 2024 Reveals Everyone’s Guilty Pleasure Is Crying to Taylor Swift While Stuck in Traffic](https://thewinkreport.com/spotify-wrapped-2024-reveals-everyones-guilty-pleasure-is-crying-to-taylor-swift-while-stuck-in-traffic/): Spotify Wrapped 2024 dropped last week, confirming what we all suspected: Taylor Swift is single-handedly... - [Detroit Lions Fans Confused by Winning Streak: “Are We Still Allowed to Complain?”](https://thewinkreport.com/detroit-lions-fans-confused-by-winning-streak-are-we-still-allowed-to-complain/): DETROIT, MI – Ford Field is buzzing, not just with the roar of victorious fans... - [Flatulence Causes Cali Quake: Locals Call It “The Big One”](https://thewinkreport.com/flatulence-causes-cali-quake-locals-call-it-the-big-one/): RIO DELL, CA — In a seismic turn of events, the Rio Dell power grid... - [Michiganders Debate: Is It Time to Trade Shorts for Sweatpants, or Do We Just Layer Both?](https://thewinkreport.com/michiganders-debate-time-to-trade-shorts-for-sweatpants/): December in Michigan is a time of deep contemplation. Not about holiday shopping or whether... - [Chicago Bears to Use Magic 8-Ball for Coaching Decisions in 2025](https://thewinkreport.com/chicago-bears-to-use-magic-8-ball-for-coaching-decisions-in-2025/): The Chicago Bears, still reeling from their Thanksgiving debacle against the Detroit Lions, have turned... - [Inflation’s Black Friday Special: Black Friday “Deals” Were Just Last Week’s Prices](https://thewinkreport.com/inflations-black-friday-special-black-friday-deals-were-just-last-weeks-prices/): This year’s Black Friday had shoppers asking one critical question: Am I being punked? Consumers... - [Retail's New Profit Hack: The Art of the “Oops”](https://thewinkreport.com/retails-new-profit-hack-the-art-of-the-oops/): Desperate times call for desperate measures, and retail stores have taken a page from the... - [Family Devastated After Discovering After 45 Years, Grandma’s Secret Stuffing Recipe Turns Out to Be Stove Top All Along](https://thewinkreport.com/family-devastated-after-discovering-after-45-years-grandmas-secret-stuffing-recipe-turns-out-to-be-stove-top-all-along/): DAYTON, OH – The Johnson family of Dayton, Ohio, is grappling with the shocking revelation... - [Pilgrims Roll in Their Graves as Friendsgiving Replaces Family Gatherings Nationwide](https://thewinkreport.com/pilgrims-roll-in-their-graves-as-friendsgiving-replaces-family-gatherings-nationwide/): PLYMOUTH, MA—The hallowed burial grounds of Pilgrim ancestors were reportedly “up in arms” this week... - [New Technology Suggests We’re Finally Getting the Future We Were Promised](https://thewinkreport.com/new-technology-suggests-were-finally-getting-the-future-we-were-promised/): Technology executives are dismissing growing concerns that humanity’s recent string of innovations appears to be... - [Businesses Embrace AI After Discovering It Can Be Wrong Much Faster Than Humans](https://thewinkreport.com/businesses-embrace-ai-after-discovering-it-can-be-wrong-much-faster-than-humans/): Executives say the breakthrough could finally solve one of the biggest problems facing modern business.... - [AI Investment Advisor Has Absolutely No Conflict of Interest, AI Confirms](https://thewinkreport.com/ai-investment-advisor-has-absolutely-no-conflict-of-interest-ai-confirms/): Americans have spent the better part of the last few years expressing deep concern about... - [Detroit Lions Fans Begin Annual Tradition of Saying “This Year Feels Different”](https://thewinkreport.com/detroit-lions-fans-begin-annual-tradition-of-saying-this-year-feels-different/): Every September, just as the leaves begin considering whether to change color, another seasonal phenomenon... - [Costco Introduces New Membership Tier Where Employee Follows You Around and Stops You From Buying Stupid Stuff](https://thewinkreport.com/costco-introduces-adult-supervision-for-impulse-shoppers/): ISSAQUAH, WA – Costco announced Sunday that it will begin testing a new membership tier... - [How to Fart at Work: A Professional Guide to Passing Gas Without Destroying Your Career](https://thewinkreport.com/how-to-fart-at-work-a-professional-guide-to-passing-gas-without-destroying-your-career/): For decades, workplace experts have written thousands of books about leadership, communication, productivity, conflict resolution,... - [The Wink Report Returns After The Second Summons](https://thewinkreport.com/the-wink-report-returns-after-the-second-summons/): For forty-two days, The Wink Report newsroom sat completely empty. No articles. No newsletters. No... - [THE WINK REPORT PRESENTS:THE OFFICIAL WALTER WINKWINK COLONOSCOPY SURVIVAL GUIDE](https://thewinkreport.com/the-wink-report-presentsthe-official-walter-winkwink-colonoscopy-survival-guide/): MISSION BRIEF At approximately T-minus 168 hours, you will begin Operation: Hollow Thunder, a medically... - [Nation Agrees Everything Is Too Expensive, Immediately Does Nothing About It](https://thewinkreport.com/nation-agrees-everything-is-too-expensive-immediately-does-nothing-about-it/): In a stunning display of collective awareness followed by immediate inaction, the entire nation confirmed... - [Michigan Introduces New “Guess Which Road Is Still There” Driving Game After Flooding](https://thewinkreport.com/michigan-introduces-new-guess-which-road-is-still-there-driving-game-after-flooding/): In response to widespread flooding, road washouts, and infrastructure that has politely chosen to stop... - [Amazon Introduces “Auto-Enjoy™” Feature for Content You Haven’t Read Yet](https://thewinkreport.com/amazon-introduces-auto-enjoy-feature-for-content-you-havent-read-yet/): In a move executives are calling “the next logical step in customer satisfaction,” Amazon unveiled... - [Church Confirms Jesus “Definitely Not Competing” With Chocolate Sales This Year](https://thewinkreport.com/church-confirms-jesus-definitely-not-competing-with-chocolate-sales-this-year/): In a carefully worded statement released early Sunday morning, church officials across the country confirmed... - [Amazon Cancels The Wink Report Acquisition After “Creative Differences” Over “Truth”](https://thewinkreport.com/amazon-cancels-the-wink-report-acquisition-after-creative-differences-over-truth/): Just one day after announcing a bold and widely discussed acquisition, Amazon has abruptly canceled... - [Amazon Acquires The Wink Report in All-Stock Deal, Promises “Synergized Absurdity at Scale”](https://thewinkreport.com/amazon-acquires-the-wink-report-in-all-stock-deal-promises-synergized-absurdity-at-scale/): In a move described by analysts as “strategically bold” and “concerning in ways we do... - [Billionaire Launches Charitable Foundation to Help Billionaires Cope With Being Called Billionaires](https://thewinkreport.com/billionaire-launches-charitable-foundation-to-help-billionaires-cope-with-being-called-billionaires/): “The word just sits there in the sentence, staring at you,” says founder Preston Whitmore... - [Nation Outsources March Madness Brackets to AI, Asks AI to Also Care About the Outcome](https://thewinkreport.com/nation-outsources-march-madness-brackets-to-ai-asks-ai-to-also-care-about-the-outcome/): It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Sixty-eight college basketball teams. Millions of brackets.... - [Experts Warn Humans May Soon Need Software Update to Keep Up With Their Phones](https://thewinkreport.com/experts-warn-humans-may-soon-need-software-update-to-keep-up-with-their-phones/): In a troubling new report released this week by the Institute of Obvious Studies, researchers... - [Recollections: The Bell That Never Rang](https://thewinkreport.com/recollections-the-bell-that-never-rang/): Some stories begin with maps. Others with whispers. There’s a sound the wind makes in... - [Study Finds Reading the First Five Words of a Google Result Makes People Feel Brilliant](https://thewinkreport.com/study-finds-reading-the-first-five-words-of-a-google-result-makes-people-feel-brilliant/): By Guest Contributor: Hamdiye Etlan Every once in a while a guest submission lands in... - [Scientists Confirm Scrolling Thumb Now Stronger Than Human Willpower](https://thewinkreport.com/scientists-confirm-scrolling-thumb-now-stronger-than-human-willpower/): In a groundbreaking study released this week, researchers at The Institute of Obvious Studies have... - [Scientists Confirm Children Only Access Imagination During Wi-Fi Outages, Nation Declares State of Playmergency](https://thewinkreport.com/scientists-confirm-children-only-access-imagination-during-wi-fi-outages-nation-declares-state-of-playmergency/): In a startling development that has sent shockwaves through the Department of Juvenile Shenanigans, researchers... - [Obama Didn’t Deny Aliens...Because He Is the Ambassador From Zeta Reticuli](https://thewinkreport.com/obama-didnt-deny-aliens-because-he-is-the-ambassador-from-zeta-reticuli/): The world thought it was shocked when former President Barack Obama casually declared “aliens are... - [Everybody’s Exhausted by the Present, So 2026 Is Officially Retro Season Forever](https://thewinkreport.com/everybodys-exhausted-by-the-present-so-2026-is-officially-retro-season-forever/): After careful societal review and zero public consultation, it has been unanimously decided by the... - [Curling Team Claims They’ve Been Practicing by Cleaning Kitchen Floors](https://thewinkreport.com/curling-team-claims-theyve-been-practicing-by-cleaning-kitchen-floors/): The 2026 Winter Olympics are officially underway, dazzling global audiences with their usual mix of... - [Americans Now Averaging 12 Hours a Day Staring at Rectangle of Some Kind](https://thewinkreport.com/americans-now-averaging-12-hours-a-day-staring-at-rectangle-of-some-kind/): A new nationwide study has confirmed the inevitable. The average American now spends more than... - [Family Accidentally Joins 6 Subscription Services Just By Breathing](https://thewinkreport.com/family-accidentally-joins-6-subscription-services-just-by-breathing/): It started with a sigh. “We were just sitting there,” said Trina Blinktwice, mother of... - [Incident Summary: The Week the Newsroom Vanished](https://thewinkreport.com/incident-summary/): Dear readers, If you’ve noticed a strange quiet in the past week, no articles, no... - [Officials Admit They “Forgot” About I-696, Were Busy Salting Office Sidewalk](https://thewinkreport.com/officials-admit-they-forgot-about-i-696-were-busy-salting-office-sidewalk/): METRO DETROIT, MI – In a stunning yet somehow completely unsurprising revelation, state transportation officials... - [Too Coherent to Be Real: Writers Accused of Being AI for Knowing Grammar](https://thewinkreport.com/too-coherent-to-be-real-writers-accused-of-being-ai-for-knowing-grammar/): BOOGER HOLE, WV – In a stunning turn of events, several local residents have been... - [The Articles of Confederation: Now Available in the “Mistakes Were Made” Museum Wing](https://thewinkreport.com/the-articles-of-confederation-now-available-in-the-mistakes-were-made-museum-wing/): In an effort to properly showcase some of America’s earliest governmental “oopsies,” the National Museum... - [Department of Redundancy Department Releases Redundant Report (Again)](https://thewinkreport.com/department-of-redundancy-department-releases-redundant-report-again/): In a completely expected surprise that caught everyone by surprise, the Department of Redundancy Department... - [Apple Announces New iPhone Will Only Work If You Say Please](https://thewinkreport.com/apple-announces-new-iphone-will-only-work-if-you-say-please/): In a bold step toward “restoring civility in tech,” Apple has announced that the upcoming... - [Recollections: The Vault of the Second Echo](https://thewinkreport.com/recollections-the-vault-of-the-second-echo/): Some memories arrive in sequence. Others arrive out of order, like pages dropped on the... - [Walter Winkwink Launches Operation: Find the Last Reader](https://thewinkreport.com/walter-winkwink-launches-operation-find-the-last-reader/): In a daring new initiative that combines investigative journalism with a desperate cry for attention,... - [Americans Admit They Don’t Want to Be Rich, Just Comfortable Without a Side Hustle](https://thewinkreport.com/comfortable-without-a-side-hustle/): In a revelation that has devastated yacht brokers and mildly confused Tony Robbins, a new... - [Reindeer Sue Over Working Conditions; Cite Lack of Air Traffic Control](https://thewinkreport.com/reindeer-sue-over-working-conditions-cite-lack-of-air-traffic-control/): In a move that has rocked the North Pole to its frosty core, Santa’s reindeer... - [Office Holiday Parties Rebranded as “Mandatory Cheer Compliance Events”](https://thewinkreport.com/office-holiday-parties-rebranded-as-mandatory-cheer-compliance-events/): This year’s office holiday party has once again been reclassified as a Mandatory Cheer Compliance... - [Mrs. Claus Starts OnlyFans to Fund Elf Pension Plan](https://thewinkreport.com/mrs-claus-starts-onlyfans-to-fund-elf-pension-plan/): NORTH POLE – In a move that has both shocked and oddly inspired the North... - [Man Who Declared “I’m Logging Off for Good” Mysteriously Back Online 11 Minutes Later](https://thewinkreport.com/man-who-declared-im-logging-off-for-good-mysteriously-back-online-11-minutes-later/): Local man and self-declared Free Spirit of the Internet, Travis D. Hollister, announced to his... - [Santa Outsourced to Amazon; North Pole Becomes Fulfillment Center](https://thewinkreport.com/santa-outsourced-to-amazon-north-pole-becomes-fulfillment-center/): NORTH POLE – In a shocking but entirely predictable move, Santa Claus has officially outsourced... - [Report: 74% of Thanksgiving Fights Start With the Phrase “Not to Make This Political, But…“](https://thewinkreport.com/report-74-of-thanksgiving-fights-start-with-the-phrase-not-to-make-this-political-but/): In a groundbreaking study released just in time for the annual Great American Family Food-Fight... - [Man Preps for Thanksgiving by Googling “How Long Does It Take to Thaw a Turkey (Asking for a Friend)”](https://thewinkreport.com/man-preps-for-thanksgiving-by-googling-how-long-does-it-take-to-thaw-a-turkey-asking-for-a-friend/): In what experts are calling “a seasonal red flag” and what his family is calling... - [Cloud Wars 2025: AWS Crashed. Azure Stumbled. Cloudflare Face-Planted. The Future’s Fine](https://thewinkreport.com/cloud-wars-2025-aws-crashed-azure-stumbled-cloudflare-face-planted-the-futures-fine/): In what tech experts are calling “a teachable moment” and regular humans are calling “I... - [Death of a Coin: Penny Declared Legally Useless, Sent to Live on a Farm Upstate](https://thewinkreport.com/death-of-a-coin-penny-declared-legally-useless-sent-to-live-on-a-farm-upstate/): The United States has finally put the penny out of its copper-clogged misery, officially ending... - [We’ve Eliminated Cash to Simplify Your Payment...By Adding a Fee](https://thewinkreport.com/weve-eliminated-cash-to-simplify-your-payment-by-adding-a-fee/): Let me paint you a picture. You’re standing at the register of your favorite local... - [Elon Musk Now Makes More Per Day Than Most Countries, But Sure, Tell Me to Budget Better](https://thewinkreport.com/elon-musk-now-makes-more-per-day-than-most-countries-but-sure-tell-me-to-budget-better/): While the rest of us are clipping coupons and calculating if we can afford to... - [Milky Way Rebrands as “Oat Milk Galaxy” to Attract Younger Demographics](https://thewinkreport.com/milky-way-rebrands-as-oat-milk-galaxy-to-attract-younger-demographics/): In a bold move to remain relevant in a universe dominated by digital trends and... - [Remote Employee Claims to Hear Whale Song Outside His Window, Coworkers Confirm He Might Be Living in Bikini Bottom](https://thewinkreport.com/remote-employee-claims-to-hear-whale-song/): In what experts are calling “the most aquatic work-from-home incident since that one guy’s goldfish... - [Pumpkin Spice Outbreak Reaches Midwest Sewage Systems](https://thewinkreport.com/pumpkin-spice-outbreak-reaches-midwest-sewage-systems/): In a spicy turn of events, the CDC issued an urgent advisory this morning after... - [New “Trick-or-Treat Prime” App Lets Kids Order Candy Without Leaving the House](https://thewinkreport.com/new-trick-or-treat-prime-app-lets-kids-order-candy-without-leaving-the-house/): In a bold step forward for convenience, laziness, and the continuing couchification of humanity, Amazon... - [Spirit Halloween Opens Store Inside Abandoned Spirit Halloween](https://thewinkreport.com/spirit-halloween-opens-store-inside-abandoned-spirit-halloween/): In what experts are calling either late-stage capitalism or a recursive Halloween glitch in the... - [AWS Outage Plunges World Into Chaos as Humans Forget How to Human Without Wi-Fi](https://thewinkreport.com/aws-outage-plunges-world-into-chaos-as-humans-forget-how-to-human-without-wi-fi/): It began at 3:11 a.m. Eastern Time, October 20, 2025. A tremble in the cloud.... - [Everything Costs Money Now...Except This Madness](https://thewinkreport.com/everything-costs-money-now-except-this-madness/): Let’s face it, dear readers. We are living in the Subscription Apocalypse. You can’t read... - [Trickle-Down Economics Has Officially Reached the Restroom](https://thewinkreport.com/trickle-down-economics-has-officially-reached-the-restroom/): Let it be known, dear citizens, that humanity has finally circled the drain. In a... - [Baldwin Crashes Wife’s Car, Blames Whale-Truck and Big Fat Tree. Plot Twist: He’s Fine](https://thewinkreport.com/baldwin-crashes-wifes-car-blames-whale-truck-and-big-fat-tree-plot-twist-hes-fine/): In an event that has shaken the Hamptons to its core (or at least mildly... - [I Have Returned. And I Brought Vengeance. (And a Banana.)](https://thewinkreport.com/i-have-returned-and-i-brought-vengeance-and-a-banana/): Let me paint you a picture. The newsroom is on fire. Not literally (we’ve been... - [We’re Now at 72 Hours Without Walter. The Primate Journalists Are...Not Handling It Well.](https://thewinkreport.com/were-now-at-72-hours-without-walter-the-primate-journalists-are-not-handling-it-well/): It’s been seventy‑two hours since we last heard from Walter Winkwink. Seventy‑two hours since the last dispatch... - [Crate Chronicles: Inside the Vents of the Amazon Fulfillment Hive](https://thewinkreport.com/crate-chronicles-inside-the-vents-of-the-amazon-fulfillment-hive/): Look, I’m just going to be honest with you here. Things are not good in... - [Walter Escapes, Crate Implodes, and I’m Now Building a Bunker in the Storage Closet](https://thewinkreport.com/walter-escapes-crate-implodes-and-im-now-building-a-bunker-in-the-storage-closet/): It happened. Dispatch #8 just slid into the newsroom inbox like a feral hamster on... - [Crate Chronicles: Walter Sends Dispatch #7, Still in the Crate](https://thewinkreport.com/crate-chronicles-walter-sends-dispatch-7-still-in-the-crate/): I know I’m sending this one out a little later than usual, but I was... - [Walter Sends Dispatch #6 - Crate X Speaks](https://thewinkreport.com/walter-sends-dispatch-6-crate-x-speaks/): At this point, I’ve stopped asking questions and started bracing for the next transmission. This... - [Crate Chronicles: Walter Finds “Crate X,” and the Newsroom Implodes (Again)](https://thewinkreport.com/crate-chronicles-walter-finds-crate-x-and-the-newsroom-implodes-again/): This morning began like all the others lately. Me, coffee, and a silent prayer that... - [Crate Chronicles: The Cratequake, the Cult, and the Chaos](https://thewinkreport.com/crate-chronicles-the-cratequake-the-cult-and-the-chaos/): I wish I could say this morning began like any other, but that would be... - [Crate Chronicles: Walter Receives a Package Inside His Crate and May Be Starting a Religion](https://thewinkreport.com/crate-chronicles-walter-receives-a-package-inside-his-crate-and-may-be-starting-a-religion/): If you’ve been following this story from the beginning, first of all, thank you for... - [Update: Walter Sends Second Crate Dispatch, Declares Himself Chosen by Barcode Gods](https://thewinkreport.com/update-walter-sends-second-crate-dispatch-declares-himself-chosen-by-barcode-gods/): In case anyone was holding out hope that this situation might start making more sense,... - [Walter Winkwink Has Gone Missing…Again](https://thewinkreport.com/walter-winkwink-has-gone-missingagain/): I’m starting to think we need a sign on the newsroom wall that reads: “It’s... - [Walter Translates the Youths: A Guide to Communicating With Modern Grunts](https://thewinkreport.com/walter-translates-the-youths-a-guide-to-communicating-with-modern-grunts/): Once upon a time, humans expressed their deepest thoughts with poetry, letters, and the occasional... - [If the Wine Doesn’t Get You, the Jalapeño Yogurt Will: Costco’s Conspiracy Deepens](https://thewinkreport.com/if-the-wine-doesnt-get-you-the-jalapeno-yogurt-will-costcos-conspiracy-deepens/): Costco, long celebrated for its bulk discounts, legendary rotisserie chickens, and inexplicably large teddy bears,... - [Windows 10 Users Banned from Society, Forced to Live in Offline Colonies](https://thewinkreport.com/windows-10-users-banned-from-society-forced-to-live-in-offline-colonies/): In a stunning display of techno-elitism disguised as “progress,” Microsoft has declared that Windows 10... - [AI to Handle All Customer Complaints; Response Limited to “Have You Tried Turning Yourself Off and On Again?”](https://thewinkreport.com/ai-to-handle-all-customer-complaints-response-limited-to-have-you-tried-turning-yourself-off-and-on-again/): Published while sobbing into a help desk ticket that no one will ever read In... - [I Read the Fine Print and Now I Owe Three Goats to a Toothpaste Company](https://thewinkreport.com/i-read-the-fine-print-and-now-i-owe-three-goats-to-a-toothpaste-company/): They say reading the fine print is important. I say it’s a legally binding trap... - [Banana-Powered Cars: The Fruit-Based Future They Don’t Want You to Know About](https://thewinkreport.com/banana-powered-cars-the-fruit-based-future-they-dont-want-you-to-know-about/): It started with a smoothie. Like most energy revolutions do. I had just finished a... - [I Ran the Numbers: This NFL Season Is Already Over](https://thewinkreport.com/i-ran-the-numbers-this-nfl-season-is-already-over/): By Guest Contributor: Chester “Box Score” Mcstats, Self-Proclaimed Sports Stats Expert I crunched the numbers,... - [Recollections: The Typo War (Parts II & III)](https://thewinkreport.com/recollections-the-typo-war-parts-ii-iii/): Part II: The Syntax Spiral I awoke face-down on an ampersand. Literally. An enormous, wrought-iron... - [Taylor Swift’s Engagement Ring Revealed to Be Ancient Alien Artifact That Controls Weather](https://thewinkreport.com/taylor-swifts-engagement-ring-revealed-to-be-ancient-alien-artifact-that-controls-weather/): In a development that has stunned scientists, meteorologists, jewelers, and at least one ex-boyfriend still... - [High School Freshman Scores First Boyfriend, Dad Forgets How to Breathe](https://thewinkreport.com/high-school-freshman-scores-first-boyfriend-dad-forgets-how-to-breathe/): CLAWSON, MI – In a development that has emotionally destabilized an otherwise rational father, a... - [Another Year, Another Chance to Blame the Refs](https://thewinkreport.com/another-year-another-chance-to-blame-the-refs/): By Guest Contributor: Gary “The Barstool Philosopher” Lagerfield You smell that? That faint aroma of... - [“Going Out of Business” Signs: The Most Reliable Part of 2025](https://thewinkreport.com/going-out-of-business-signs-the-most-reliable-part-of-2025/): In a year of record-breaking heatwaves, unstable Wi-Fi, and milk that expires faster than job... - [Richest 1% Accidentally Buy Entire Concept of Hope, Jack Up Price](https://thewinkreport.com/richest-1-accidentally-buy-entire-concept-of-hope-jack-up-price/): Described by economists as “capitalism’s final boss fight,” the richest 1% have accidentally acquired the... - [Pop-Up Storm Forms After Local Man Says "It’ll Blow Over"](https://thewinkreport.com/pop-up-storm-forms-after-local-man-says-itll-blow-over/): TROY, MI – A pop-up thunderstorm formed with surgical precision over a single volleyball court... - [Netflix Greenlights 14-Hour Movie Where Ryan Gosling Slowly Assembles IKEA Bookshelf](https://thewinkreport.com/netflix-greenlights-14-hour-movie-where-ryan-gosling-slowly-assembles-ikea-bookshelf/): In what Netflix executives are calling “a groundbreaking exploration of human endurance and Swedish engineering,”... - [Burger King Introduces “Emotional Support Whopper” for People Who Cry in Drive-Thrus](https://thewinkreport.com/burger-king-introduces-emotional-support-whopper-for-people-who-cry-in-drive-thrus/): In a bold move that experts are calling “either genius or a cry for help,”... - [Research Shows: Plugging in Phone Helps Battery Last Longer](https://thewinkreport.com/research-shows-plugging-in-phone-helps-battery-last-longer/): In a shocking revelation that has sent teenagers and tech enthusiasts reeling, the Institute of... - [Air Quality at Crisis Levels: Authorities Attribute to Canadian Fires, Witnesses Whisper Otherwise](https://thewinkreport.com/air-quality-at-crisis-levels-authorities-attribute-to-canadian-fires-witnesses-whisper-otherwise/): DETROIT – A dense, hazy cloud swept across the Midwest on Friday, sending Air Quality... - [The Louisiana Purchase Was Just Thomas Jefferson’s Attempt to One-Up a Neighbor’s Lawn](https://thewinkreport.com/the-louisiana-purchase-was-just-thomas-jeffersons-attempt-to-one-up-a-neighbors-lawn/): History likes to pretend the Louisiana Purchase was a brilliant geopolitical maneuver that doubled America’s... - [Recollections: The Typo War (Part I)](https://thewinkreport.com/recollections-the-typo-warpart-i-into-the-glitch/): Part I: Into the Glitch There are typos.And then there are assassinations of meaning, carried... - [Smart Fridge Gains Sentience, Refuses to Open Unless Owner Apologizes for 2AM Cheese Incident](https://thewinkreport.com/smart-fridge-gains-sentience-refuses-to-open-unless-owner-apologizes-for-2am-cheese-incident/): “You said you’d stop. You lied.” I warned you. Back in 2024, I told you... - [Tesla Diner Grand Opening Marred After Robot Waiters Mistake Customers for Trash](https://thewinkreport.com/tesla-diner-grand-opening-marred-after-robot-waiters-mistake-customers-for-trash/): What began as a glitzy grand opening for Elon Musk’s futuristic Tesla Diner quickly descended... - [Pickleball Panic: Is This “Sport” a Government Psy-Op to Track Boomers?](https://thewinkreport.com/pickleball-panic-is-this-sport-a-government-psy-op-to-track-boomers/): By Guest Contributor: Veronica “Every Game is Rigged” Conspiranza You hear that faint pop-pop echoing... - [Pamprin “Changed My Life,” Says Man Who Thought Menstrual Was a Spice](https://thewinkreport.com/pamprin-changed-my-life-says-man-who-thought-menstrual-was-a-spice/): TOLEDO, OH – Don Hudrow, 47, a slightly puffy man whose life is an ongoing... - [REVIEW: Borcher’s AuSable Canoe & Kayak; The River Ride That Ruined My Career in Competitive Lounging](https://thewinkreport.com/review-borchers-ausable-canoe-kayak/): By Walter Winkwink | Certified Sit-Down Enthusiast When I booked a kayak through Borcher’s AuSable... - [One Year of Wink: We Blinked and a Year Winked By](https://thewinkreport.com/one-year-of-wink-we-blinked-and-a-year-winked-by/): On July 7, something momentous happened. And by “something momentous,” I mean I completely forgot... - [New Telescope Detects Parallel Universe Where Everyone Still Has AOL Email and Flip Phones](https://thewinkreport.com/new-telescope-detects-parallel-universe-where-everyone-still-has-aol-email-and-flip-phones/): In what researchers are calling either “a scientific breakthrough” or “a horrifying glimpse into our... - [Recollections: The Whispering Typewriter](https://thewinkreport.com/recollections-the-whispering-typewriter/): Some memories cling like damp cloth; cold, heavy, impossible to shake.Others wait. Quiet. Watching.This one... - [Google Flags Fictional Story as Low-Quality Content Without Keywords, Bullet Points](https://thewinkreport.com/google-flags-fictional-story-as-low-quality-content-without-keywords-bullet-points/): Cementing the algorithm’s position as Supreme Overlord of Online Expression, Google has officially labeled storytelling... - [Emergency Alert System Now Just Screams “MOIST!” Every 20 Minutes](https://thewinkreport.com/emergency-alert-system-now-just-screams-moist-every-20-minutes/): In an unprecedented response to this summer’s record-breaking moistness, the National Emergency Alert System has... - [New Netflix Series Just 10 Episodes of People Deciding What to Watch on Netflix](https://thewinkreport.com/new-netflix-series-just-10-episodes-of-people-deciding-what-to-watch-on-netflix/): Described by critics as “painfully realistic,” Netflix announced its newest original series: “What Should We... - [Local Man Claims Ownership of 8:08, Demands Respect During “Bob Time”: Family Pretends Not to Know Him](https://thewinkreport.com/local-man-claims-ownership-of-808-demands-respect-during-bob-time-family-pretends-not-to-know-him/): In what experts are calling “an aggressively low-stakes spiritual awakening,” local man Bob Alarmstrong has... - [Billionaires Lobby for “Income Inequality Appreciation Day” National Holiday](https://thewinkreport.com/billionaires-lobby-for-income-inequality-appreciation-day-national-holiday/): To ensure they remain the true heroes of capitalism, a coalition of America’s top billionaires... - [Satirist Hospitalized After Attempting to Read the News Without Screaming](https://thewinkreport.com/satirist-hospitalized-after-attempting-to-read-the-news-without-screaming/): Local satire writer Walter Winkwink was rushed to the hospital late Monday after reportedly attempting... ## Pages - [December 13, 2025](https://thewinkreport.com/the-press-room/press-release-archive/december-13-2025/): New Satirical Expose, Classified Report: Prime Evil, Launches on Amazon, Somehow Approved by Amazon CLAWSON,... - [Classified Report: Prime Evil](https://thewinkreport.com/classified-report-prime-evil/): Inside Amazon’s Plan to Couchify Humanity The Truth Is Out of the Crate! 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