HEADLINES DELIVERED FRESH WITH EXTRA CHEESE AND NO NAPKINS! Blessed Be the Bud: Confused Pastor Quotes Snoop Instead of Scripture Walter Winkwink April 20, 2025 Divine, Dank, and Deep-Fried: Blue Origin Announces Its Most Relatable Space Crew Yet Walter Winkwink April 17, 2025 Burned Out, Broke, and Buzzing on Foam: A Wink Report Editorial Walter Winkwink April 14, 2025 FDA Finally Admits: Everything Tastes Better with a Sprinkle of Denial Walter Winkwink April 11, 2025 Abe Lincoln’s Stovepipe Top Hat Was Just a Portable Snack Dispenser Walter Winkwink April 9, 2025 Survey Finds 80% of Parents’ Vocabulary Consists of “Because I Said So” Walter Winkwink April 7, 2025 Blessed Be the Bud: Confused Pastor Quotes Snoop Instead of Scripture April 20, 2025 Divine, Dank, and Deep-Fried: Blue Origin Announces Its Most Relatable Space Crew Yet April 17, 2025 Burned Out, Broke, and Buzzing on Foam: A Wink Report Editorial April 14, 2025 FDA Finally Admits: Everything Tastes Better with a Sprinkle of Denial April 11, 2025RECENTISH HEADLINES Abe Lincoln’s Stovepipe Top Hat Was Just a Portable Snack Dispenser April 9, 2025 Survey Finds 80% of Parents’ Vocabulary Consists of “Because I Said So” April 7, 2025 Self-Driving Car Tests Michigan Roads, Immediately Files for Retirement April 5, 2025 Wife’s Psychic Abilities Confirmed After Husband Forgets to Read Her Mind Again April 3, 2025 Michigan Man Sues Dispensary After Getting Too High and Eating $300 Worth of His Own Groceries April 1, 2025 Musk Announces “Tesla Vandalism Loyalty Program”: Key Five Cars, Get a Free Subscription to X Premium March 30, 2025 New Study Finds That 100% of People Reading This Are Alive March 28, 2025 Recollections: The Map That Found Me March 25, 2025 Elon Musk Demands 8-Day Workweek to “Optimize My Chill Time” March 23, 2025 NCAA March Madness 2025 Viewer’s Guide: How to Pretend You Understand the Bracket While Secretly Googling “What is a Seed?” March 21, 2025 World’s First AI Therapist Refuses to Treat Humans; Claims We’re Too Complicated March 20, 2025 Disney’s Snow White Remake: Seven Dwarfs File for Unemployment Amid CGI Takeover March 18, 2025 Local Man Launches GoFundMe to Cover Costs of Wife’s Amazon Prime Addiction March 16, 2025WHERE SARCASM GOES SOCIAL FacebookX/TwitterInstagramYouTubePinterestTECHNOLOGY Self-Driving Car Tests Michigan Roads, Immediately Files for Retirement April 5, 2025 World’s First AI Therapist Refuses to Treat Humans; Claims We’re Too Complicated March 20, 2025 BlurLife: New App Lets You Blur Reality Like a Zoom Background March 14, 2025 Facebook Introduces “Honesty” Feature: Automatically Deletes All Posts January 30, 2025 New App Lets You Virtually Punch Your Annoying Neighbor January 9, 2025 Santa’s Naughty List Data Breach: Parents Outraged Over Leaked Behavior Reports December 22, 2024 Self-Checkout CEO Announces Plans to Outsource Bagging to Customers’ Children by 2025 December 12, 2024 Hydrogen is the Future: Until Musk Finds a New Favorite Element December 10, 2024 Billionaires Push to Replace Middle Class with Robots That Don’t Complain November 26, 2024ENTERTAINMENT Disney’s Snow White Remake: Seven Dwarfs File for Unemployment Amid CGI Takeover March 18, 2025 Disney Cruise Unveils New “Gratuity Genie” Service: Rub Your Wallet for Extra Magic January 27, 2025 The Joke’s on Us: Elon Musk’s Attempt to Rocket into Stand-Up Comedy January 24, 2025 Study Finds 97% of Adults Admit to Watching TV Shows They Pretend to Hate in Public January 23, 2025 When TikTok Said Goodbye, the World Said “No Cap?” TikTok Responds “Nope, Cap.” January 20, 2025 Netflix Releases 100 New Shows; Subscribers Watch Stranger Things Again January 6, 2025BUSINESS Musk Announces “Tesla Vandalism Loyalty Program”: Key Five Cars, Get a Free Subscription to X Premium March 30, 2025 Elon Musk Demands 8-Day Workweek to “Optimize My Chill Time” March 23, 2025 Leaked Internal Memo: McDonald’s Staff Told to “Just Nod” If Customers Ask What’s in McRib March 10, 2025 The Forbidden Fruit: How Apple Became the Evil Overlord of Smartphones February 22, 2025 Corporate Giants Merge to Form Monopoly Inc.: Board Game Now a Documentary February 10, 2025 Local Man Credits Career Success to Following Advice from Fortune Cookies February 6, 2025 Side Hustle for the Middle Class: Have You Tried Renting Out Your Living Room? February 4, 2025 Eggistential Crisis: Paying Extra for Chickens to Enjoy Open Mic Night January 13, 2025 Revenge of the Retail Clerks: Behind the Counter of Gift Return Season December 26, 2024SPORTS NCAA March Madness 2025 Viewer’s Guide: How to Pretend You Understand the Bracket While Secretly Googling “What is a Seed?” March 21, 2025 Zamboni Racing League Launched After NHL Fans Admit It’s Their Favorite Part of the Game February 17, 2025 Anonymous Local Man Booted from Cornhole League for Prioritizing Family; Starts Satirical News Site February 1, 2025 Lions Loss Inspires New Detroit Anthem: “Same Old Song (And Dance)” January 19, 2025 Tom Brady Announces Unretirement for 57th Time, Now Playing Defense January 16, 2025GALACTICAL Divine, Dank, and Deep-Fried: Blue Origin Announces Its Most Relatable Space Crew Yet April 17, 2025 Mars Colonization Plan Hits Snag as Martians Sue U.S. for Trespassing on ‘Ancient Martian Ancestral Land’ February 3, 2025 Aliens Abandon Diplomatic Mission After Meeting Earth’s Top Candidates January 14, 2025 Discovery of “Tipped Over” Black Hole: Universe’s Drunk Uncle Finally Found December 28, 2024 NASA Spots Intergalactic “Help Wanted” Ad from a Neighboring Galaxy – Apparently, They’re Hiring Earthlings November 25, 2024LIFESTYLE Blessed Be the Bud: Confused Pastor Quotes Snoop Instead of Scripture April 20, 2025 Burned Out, Broke, and Buzzing on Foam: A Wink Report Editorial April 14, 2025 Abe Lincoln’s Stovepipe Top Hat Was Just a Portable Snack Dispenser April 9, 2025 Survey Finds 80% of Parents’ Vocabulary Consists of “Because I Said So” April 7, 2025 Wife’s Psychic Abilities Confirmed After Husband Forgets to Read Her Mind Again April 3, 2025YOU MAY HAVE MISSED BlurLife: New App Lets You Blur Reality Like a Zoom Background March 14, 2025 Pepsi’s “New Formula” Found to Be Just Old Coca-Cola; Shareholders Demand Answers March 12, 2025 Leaked Internal Memo: McDonald’s Staff Told to “Just Nod” If Customers Ask What’s in McRib March 10, 2025 Universal Basic Income Announced: Turns Out It’s Just a Free Trial That Requires a Credit Card March 8, 2025 Aspiring Satirist Discovers Friends Will “Like” Posts But Never Click Links: A Tragicomedy March 6, 2025 Procrastination Reaches Epidemic Levels: Deadline for Solutions Pushed to Next Week March 4, 2025Share this nonsense:Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)Click to share on X (Opens in new window)Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window)Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)MoreClick to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window)Click to print (Opens in new window)Like this:Like Loading...
