Divine, Dank, and Deep-Fried: Blue Origin Announces Its Most Relatable Space Crew Yet
In a bold, bizarre, and borderline biblical move, Blue Origin has unveiled its next suborbital passenger lineup: Pope Francis, Snoop Dogg, and Earl “Skillet” Jenkins, a Waffle House short-order cook with 9 teeth and 3 spatulas.
“Humanity needs balance,” said Blue Origin spokesperson Skye Boosterson while wearing a cape made of recycled Amazon boxes. “We wanted to represent the spiritual, the musical, and the heavily caffeinated.”
The trio will embark on an 11-minute joyride to the edge of space aboard New Shepard, a rocket that looks suspiciously like something Freud would need therapy for.
Pope Francis, ever the humble pontiff, said he accepted the invitation to promote “peace, unity, and maybe convert an alien or two.” He has already blessed the rocket with holy water while Snoop added a puff of what he called “spiritual enhancement vapor.”
Snoop Dogg, meanwhile, expressed deep enthusiasm: “Space is the final frontier, see? I’m tryna be the first to light up in zero gravity. Float and toke, that’s the motto.” NASA is reportedly “not thrilled.”
And then there’s Earl “Skillet” Jenkins, who was chosen after a viral video showed him continuing to cook hash browns during a brawl at a Georgia Waffle House. “Ain’t nothin’ in space I can’t scramble,” Jenkins said, packing three pounds of bacon and an emergency spatula into his carry-on.
Critics call the lineup “a PR stunt,” but others hail it as “the most accurate cross-section of humanity since the Last Supper, but with more grill grease.”
If all goes well, upcoming missions will feature the cast of Storage Wars, three sentient mannequins from a Bass Pro Shops, and the inventor of the bacon-scented candle.
Blue Origin’s new motto? “We put the ‘why’ in zero gravity.”
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