Managing Editor
Every great organization needs a fearless leader, a visionary mind, a bold adventurer. The Wink Report has Walter Winkwink.
And then…it has Bob.
Bob Klann is the Managing Editor of The Wink Report, a title that sounds impressive until you realize it mostly involves cleaning banana peels off the printer, translating Diesel’s binary tantrums, and begging Walter to please, for the love of all that is semi-holy, stop using the emergency broadcast system as a whiteboard.
Hired under unclear circumstances (even Bob’s resume was just a sticky note that said “Please?”), he was brought in to bring structure, deadlines, and “real-world accountability” to a newsroom staffed by caffeine-addled primates and one very unhinged Editor-in-Chief. He failed immediately, and magnificently. But he stayed.
Walter refers to him as “Brian,” “Todd,” “Neil?”, “Clipboard Guy,” and once, “Deborah.” He hasn’t gotten Bob’s name right in three fiscal quarters. During one particularly memorable meeting, Walter promoted Bob to “Assistant Banana Handler” and asked if he knew how to file legal documents inside a blender.
Despite it all, Bob persists. He’s the one who tracks down every misplaced article draft, unplugs the office server after Diesel tries to email a banana, and acts as the human wall between Professor Whiskertuft’s conspiracy corkboard and the local fire marshal. Every time the primates break into another union meeting, Bob is there with a broom, an apology, and a fruitless “team-building” email.
He is frequently seen holding a clipboard, a coffee mug, or his own head in his hands. He’s the first to arrive, the last to leave, and the only staff member with a folder labeled “Exit Strategies (For Real This Time).” Tilly once live-tweeted his performance review. Zippy applied to replace him during it.
While Walter gets the headlines and the fan mail, Bob gets the late-night troubleshooting calls, the passive-aggressive Post-Its, and the company’s entire liability binder. But don’t feel too bad for him. He has his own office. Granted, it’s a converted mop closet and there’s a leak that drips exclusively on his mouse hand, but it does lock from the inside.
In the wild jungle of The Wink Report, Bob is the overcooked noodle barely holding the lasagna together. He is ignored, underestimated, and universally mocked.
And yet, somehow, utterly essential.
Even if Walter still thinks his name is “Mark.”