Head of Legal & Lead Disclaimer Strategist
Brendon Hagamuffin serves as the stern, sleep-deprived cornerstone of legal sanity in a newsroom otherwise held together by duct tape, banana peels, and questionable ethics. As Head of Legal & Lead Disclaimer Strategist, Brendon oversees every legal matter that crosses The Wink Report’s cluttered desks, from cease-and-desist letters to banana-related zoning disputes.
He arrives at work each day with a new tie (he owns over 237), a permanent smirk, and an espresso that he claims is “mostly for litigation prep.” His presence is unmistakable, partly because of the neckwear, partly because of the muttered Latin phrases, and partly because he insists on referring to every conversation as “on the record.”
Brendon’s legal skills are unmatched, if a bit unorthodox.
He once ended a lawsuit by cross-referencing footnotes from an argument he had with himself. His idea of vacation is redlining outdated disclaimers while sitting in a chair he legally declared “ergonomically hostile, for liability insulation.”
Outside the newsroom, Brendon spends long hours in his extremely oversized garage working on his prized car: a 1991 Mercedes. It’s sleek, temperamental, and, according to Brendon, “a true classic in both curves and performance.” He’ll often sigh wistfully while polishing its massive headlights, claiming they just don’t design beauty like that anymore.
Despite his insistence on professionalism, the staff universally refers to him by his unofficial nickname: Banana Briefs. The origin of the nickname has been sealed under a nondisclosure agreement no one remembers signing, but it’s now printed on his office mug, embossed on his legal pads, and carved into a plaque outside the breakroom. He hates it. It stuck anyway.
Ask him what keeps him going, and he’ll mutter something about “job security through chaos,” then shuffle off toward the printer, tie askew, scowling at a stapler that isn’t “chain-of-custody compliant.”
He is tired. He is brilliant. He is dangerously efficient.
And thanks to him, The Wink Report remains just barely on the right side of satire law.