Inside Amazon’s Plan to Couchify Humanity
The Truth Is Out of the Crate!
Early readers are calling it “hilarious, unsettling, and way too close to the truth.”
One journalist. One Crate. One accidental conspiracy leak.
A classified expose written from inside an Amazon fulfillment center. Conspiracy meets comedy in this satirical report on the couchification of humanity.
When Walter Winkwink, Editor-in-Chief of The Wink Report, shipped himself inside a wooden crate to investigate suspicious banana deliveries, he wasn’t expecting to uncover an AI-run global conspiracy powered by convenience, couch cushions, and two-day shipping. But that’s exactly what happened.
Armed with a malfunctioning typewriter, a half-charged Wi-Fi signal from JeffV’sGarageCam, and an unhealthy number of bananas, Walter chronicled his surreal descent into Amazon’s deepest secret: The Core. What he discovered inside; barcode temples, biometric thresholds, whispering drones, and sentient furniture; is no longer classified.
This Classified Report contains:
- Field dispatches from the Fulfillment Hive
- Recovered memos and banana-related warnings
- A coupon for “One Free Smash” (redeemed spectacularly)
- The true identity of B.E.Z.O.S. (and yes, it blinks weird)
If you’ve ever felt a sudden urge to order lightbulbs at 2:14 AM for no reason. If your Alexa just cleared its throat. If your packages now arrive before you click “Buy”…You’re already in the Hive.
Perfect for fans of 1984, Idiocracy, The Office, and yelling at Alexa in a bathrobe, this novelette is part sci-fi adventure, part satirical prophecy, and all chaos. And no, we don’t recommend reading it near your smart speaker.
“I laughed so hard I almost ordered a second Roomba.”
Someone’s Uncle
“This book changed my relationship with cardboard.”
Probably real human
“My Alexa won’t stop whispering since Chapter 4.”
Verified Reviewer (who didn’t verify)
Walter Winkwink is the award-deflecting Editor-in-Chief of The Wink Report, known for exposing truths that shouldn’t be left near open flames. When he’s not uncovering corporate conspiracies with a banana and a typewriter, he’s probably hiding in a shipping container or arguing with the AI in his toaster.
Learn more at: https://thewinkreport.com