Chief of Security, Gravity, and Other Unmovable Concepts
Diesel doesn’t knock. He removes the door.
Standing at nearly six feet of muscle and mystery, Diesel “Two Scoops” Malone is the immovable object and unstoppable force, and the reason the newsroom has gone through five coffee tables, two filing cabinets, and a suspicious number of reinforced doorframes.
As Chief of Security, Gravity, and Other Unmovable Concepts, Diesel handles everything that requires brute strength, immediate action, and absolutely no follow-up questions. Whether it’s crowd control at press events, rogue hallway intruders (real or imagined), or an overflowing snack drawer crisis, Diesel shows up first, lifts something heavy, and looks very serious about it.
He does not type. He does not edit. He once tried to click a hyperlink using a wrench.
Diesel’s background is shrouded in mystery. Some say he was raised in a military-grade banana storage facility. Others claim he used to bench-press filing cabinets for sport. Officially, his resume just says, “Security. Lifting. Situations.”
He takes his job seriously, even if he doesn’t fully understand what his job is. The last time someone asked him for a password, he ripped the office Wi-Fi router off the wall and declared, “Problem solved.” It was not. But morale soared.
Diesel’s main duties include protecting the newsroom from outside threats (and sometimes from itself), relocating furniture whether it needs relocating or not, and intercepting suspicious packages by eating them. He also once tackled a coat rack he thought was “moving weird.”
He’s been known to carry full vending machines up stairs, toss malfunctioning printers off balconies, and personally escort angry interview subjects out of the building using nothing but a firm grip and a reassuring grunt.
Despite his imposing presence, Diesel is shockingly gentle with small animals, bananas, and most primates on staff, especially Tilly, whom he refers to as “Lil’ Pink Blur.” No one knows why.
He doesn’t speak much, but when he does, it’s usually a security alert, a protein request, or a reminder that he “felt a weird vibration in the floor.” We’re still unsure if he has enhanced seismic sensitivity or just indigestion.
Ask Diesel why he does what he does, and he’ll look you dead in the eyes, nod once, and say, “Because I can carry the burden. And also the vending machine.”
Then he’ll casually lift a desk and walk out like nothing happened.