In a twist no one saw coming, exhausted viewers are abandoning the chaotic battlefield of the Streaming Wars and crawling back to the comforting mediocrity of cable TV. Overwhelmed by skyrocketing subscription fees, endless algorithmic recommendations for shows they’ll never watch, and the dreaded “Are you still watching?” shame prompts, former streamers are rediscovering the charm of flipping through 500 channels of nothingness. “Sure, I’m paying for 200 channels I don’t need, but at least I don’t have to decide what to watch,” said Steve Peterson, clutching his remote like a war hero returning to base. “Sometimes, I just leave it on the weather channel. No ads, no decisions, no stress—pure bliss.”

Tom Hanks, everyone’s favorite nice guy, has taken an unexpectedly fierce stand against movie critics with an ultimatum: only rave reviews for his latest role. Tired of "nitpicky" feedback, Hanks made it clear that he’ll accept nothing short of total adulation this time around.

In a bold move to “expand the definition of artistry,” the Grammy Awards have announced they will now accept nominations from anyone with a TikTok account and a following, no matter how small. The change comes on the heels of the controversial decision to nominate Beyoncé for her unexpected foray into country music, a move that left many wondering if genre boundaries are completely irrelevant now. As the Recording Academy scrambles to keep up with the new wave of viral fame, TikTok stars are lining up to claim their spot, including one man who’s made a career of lip-syncing with a potato and another whose dance moves to Beyoncé’s Single Ladies have taken the internet by storm. The Grammys, it seems, are no longer about the music — they’re about the moment.

In a twist that none of us saw coming (but, in hindsight, probably should have), Martha Stewart has taken it upon herself to reveal the “truth” about her famously charming neighbor, Ryan Reynolds. The iconic homemaker, culinary queen, and world-class peony cultivator has gone on record stating that, despite what the world thinks, Reynolds isn’t all that funny in real life. In fact, according to Martha, he’s “more like a stoic Canadian mountain than a comedy icon.” Armed with a pair of inconspicuous, military-grade binoculars and her usual laser focus, Stewart has committed to “unpacking the serious side” of the actor. She insists that he’s nothing like the wisecracking, dimpled character we see on-screen. But as she describes his humorless morning jogs and his overly-serious recycling routine, one can't help but sense something else simmering beneath her analysis. Is Martha Stewart, homemaking mogul, just a little bit too invested in...