Satirist Hospitalized After Attempting to Read the News Without Screaming
Local satire writer Walter Winkwink was rushed to the hospital late Monday after reportedly attempting to read an entire day’s worth of real news without shrieking into a pillow, punching drywall, or throwing his phone into a compost bin.
Witnesses say Walter made it through two headlines before showing signs of distress.
“He started twitching around the phrase ‘deeply divided nation,’” said colleague Skip Newsorthy. “Then he hit a story that said ‘Trump,’ ‘Biden,’ ‘indictment,’ and ‘civil war’ all in one sentence and just whispered, ‘Nope’ before collapsing like a paper straw in hot coffee.”
Doctors at Satire General Hospital diagnosed Winkwink with Acute Irony Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS), a rare condition caused by overexposure to actual headlines that sound more ridiculous than parody.
“He’s lucky,” said Dr. Paige Turner, a specialist in Political Absurdity Trauma. “We’ve lost three Onion and one Babylon Bee writers this week alone. One tried to satirize the Supreme Court and ended up mumbling legal Latin while smearing nacho cheese on their walls.”
Wink Report sources confirm that attempts to pivot toward non-political humor, like articles about gangster squirrels, expired greek yogurt, or celebrities doing vaguely normal things, have all been met with blank stares or immediate political backlash.
“One guy wrote a story about a dog wearing pants,” said Walter’s Managing Editor. “Someone in the comments accused it of being an anti-capitalist metaphor. Another said it was secretly pro-fascist.”
As of press time, Walter is in stable condition, being treated with a steady drip of Bob Ross reruns and early-2000s YouTube videos. Nurses say he only flinches slightly when someone mentions the word “filibuster.”
In a short statement from his hospital bed, Walter muttered, “I just wanted to make a joke about squirrels…not start a Senate investigation.”
We hear you, Walter. We hear you.
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