HR Director; Conflict Resolution
There was a time; a long, loud, lawsuit-prone time; when The Wink Report had no Human Resources department.
That time ended the day Zippy Wiggins declared a conference room “emotionally haunted,” drop-kicked a folding chair through a meeting agenda, and accidentally settled a year-long feud between two reporters with nothing but a kazoo and a four-foot tumble through the ceiling tiles.
Management looked around at the flaming inboxes, the unpaid banana bonuses, the toxic printer behaviors, and said the six most reckless words in corporate history, “Maybe we should let Zippy try.”
Thus, the HR Department was born. And Zippy “Faceplant” Wiggins was placed in charge of it.
As HR Director; Conflict Resolution, Zippy brings an approach no consultant, no handbook, and no OSHA-certified specialist has dared to replicate. He mediates disputes through role-playing, dance duels, scream therapy, and an exercise he invented called “Mutually Assured Nerf Destruction.” If things get out of hand (and they always do), he refers the issue directly to Diesel via walkie-talkie using the codeword “BOOMBOOMCRISIS.”
He doesn’t use forms. He uses facial expressions.
He doesn’t schedule meetings. He bursts into them.
He once resolved a workplace dispute by shouting, “WE ARE A FAMILY” and hugging both participants until someone cried. (It was Diesel.)
Zippy rewrote the company’s HR protocols entirely on a whiteboard during a thunderstorm. No one knows why the power was out. Or why the thunder was coming from inside the building. The new protocol consists of the following:
- No yelling unless it’s joyful or confusing
- If you cause a scene, you must narrate your next day of work like a nature documentary
- Birthday parties are mandatory and occur at least twice a week
- If a chair is thrown, the conversation is over and Diesel is summoned
Despite being legally unqualified and ethically questionable, Zippy’s time as HR Director has resulted in a 43% drop in hallway slap-fights, a significant reduction in vending machine feuds, and at least three employees reporting that they “feel seen, even if they also feel mildly unsafe.”
He refers to himself as “Chief People Feelings Dude” when filling out paperwork. He has yet to complete a single form correctly. And no one has ever left a Zippy-led mediation the same person/primate they were when they entered.