Local Man Claims Ownership of 8:08, Demands Respect During “Bob Time”: Family Pretends Not to Know Him
In what experts are calling “an aggressively low-stakes spiritual awakening,” local man Bob Alarmstrong has claimed full ownership of the digital time 8:08, citing that it resembles his name and “feels like destiny, but with less effort.”
“It’s clearly a sign. Look at it. B-O-B. The universe is literally spelling me out on every appliance. Twice a day. That’s not a coincidence. That’s a legacy.”
Bob’s family, who have asked to remain anonymous but whose exhausted expressions scream “help,” report that “Bob Time” has become an increasingly disruptive part of their lives.
“Every day at 8:08 a.m. and p.m., he stops whatever he’s doing, raises both arms, and yells ‘It’s BOB TIME!’ like he’s hosting a low-budget game show. We used to laugh. Now we just quietly leave the room and pretend he’s Bluetooth pairing with a higher power.”
Neighbors have reported hearing Bob’s celebrations echo through the cul-de-sac. “I thought someone was winning the lottery,” said one. “Turns out it was just a middle-aged man celebrating punctual narcissism.”
Since declaring time ownership, Bob has begun lobbying local officials to recognize “Bob Time” as an official moment of daily reflection, ideally followed by donuts and light applause. His petition currently has three signatures; two of which are his, and one is the microwave’s after Bob taught it how to “beep in agreement.”
Sources confirm Bob is now working on a line of inspirational clocks that freeze at 8:08, labeled with phrases like Own Your Moment, Time is Bob, and Tick Tock, Who’s Bob?
But just when it seemed the movement couldn’t get any more unhinged, our very own Wink Report Managing Editor, Bob Klann, caught wind of the phenomenon.
“I thought it was ridiculous. Until I saw it. 8:08, glowing like prophecy in the corner of my laptop. It was me. It is me.”
Now, twice a day, staffers at The Wink Report are subjected to Bob bursting through the newsroom shouting, “IT’S BOB TIME, BABY!” while attempting to crowd surf across a room of unpaid primates and spilled banana peels.
Editor-in-Chief Walter Winkwink has issued a memo simply titled:
“No More Time-Related Ego Rituals in the Office. Please.”
As of press time, the staff was reprogramming all office clocks to military time. And everyone sighed.
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