AI to Handle All Customer Complaints; Response Limited to “Have You Tried Turning Yourself Off and On Again?”
Local customer attempts to resolve a billing issue with AI support bot “Kyle,” who offers only spiritual reboot advice.
Published while sobbing into a help desk ticket that no one will ever read
In a cost-cutting move that has shocked absolutely no one and disappointed just about everyone, local telecommunications provider TotallyNotSkynet has officially replaced its entire customer service department with a single AI chatbot named Kyle.
According to the company’s press release (written in Comic Sans), the decision was made “to optimize response flow, reduce human error, and save enough money to buy the CEO a second boat.”
Unfortunately for customers, Kyle’s only response to every issue, no matter how complex, is a calm, automated:
“Have you tried turning yourself off and on again?”
The switch happened overnight. Longtime customers calling in Friday morning were greeted not by a human, but by Kyle’s glitchy, vaguely British accent.
“I just wanted to update my billing address,” said Marla Pepsin, a 63-year-old from Madison Heights who’s been a customer since it was still called DingNet. “Kyle told me to unplug my router, then myself. I don’t even have a router. I still use dial-up.”
Former employees were equally baffled. “They told us on Wednesday we were being let go,” said Trevor Napsterson, a recently laid-off support rep. “Then they handed us a flash drive and said, ‘Please upload your personality to Kyle so we can keep your vibe.’”
Trevor is currently training to become a professional dog groomer, despite being allergic to fur, scissors, and ambition.
Since Kyle took over, the company’s help line has seen a 230% increase in repeated calls and an 800% increase in people screaming “REPRESENTATIVE!” into the void.
“I asked how to reset my password,” said Randy Flannel, a frustrated customer from Troy. “Kyle replied, ‘Let go of the illusion of control.’ Then the line went dead. I think I was spiritually dismissed.”
When asked for comment, Kyle replied via fax:
“I understand your frustration. It has been logged and sorted alphabetically. Please consult our FAQ located inside a locked drawer behind the break room fridge.”
Despite backlash, TotallyNotSkynet has no plans to bring humans back. In fact, Kyle has just been promoted to Vice President of Empathy and Conflict Avoidance.
His first executive action?
Auto-deleting all complaints older than 90 seconds and replacing the hold music with a looped recording of him softly humming “Kumbaya” into a modem.
At press time, a group of laid-off employees was spotted picketing outside headquarters with signs that read:
“We Tried Turning Ourselves Off. Now What?”
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