Air Quality at Crisis Levels: Authorities Attribute to Canadian Fires, Witnesses Whisper Otherwise
Hazy Detroit skyline as viewed from the Canadian side of the river; one local duck reacts in disgust to the mysterious “air quality event.”
DETROIT – A dense, hazy cloud swept across the Midwest on Friday, sending Air Quality Index readings into “Crisis Mode” and prompting emergency alerts in twelve states. Officials immediately pointed fingers northward, blaming the smoke from ongoing Canadian wildfires for what Governor Gretchen Whitmer called “the most noxious import from Canada since poutine-flavored potato chips.”
Local authorities wasted no time issuing shelter-in-place orders and urging residents to avoid outdoor activity. “Stay inside, close your windows, and for the love of air purifiers, stop jogging,” said Detroit Emergency Director Otto Stankley. “This smoke is so thick, our air quality sensors are wheezing.”
But not everyone is convinced that forest fires are to blame.
“It didn’t smell like smoke,” said eyewitness Patricia Rumbles, a lifelong Detroit resident who reportedly smelled the cloud before she saw it. “It smelled…personal. Like somebody made a choice. A bad, dairy-related choice.”
Social media soon erupted with speculation after a video went viral showing the cloud forming near the Ambassador Bridge before drifting ominously across the skyline. In the clip, the haze appears to ripple, and a faint but distinct BRRRAAAAP can be heard, followed by car alarms.
“Officials are lying,” tweeted @TruthInToots. “That wasn’t a wildfire. That was a biological event.”
Even first responders seemed conflicted. “We’ve trained for chemical spills, gas leaks, even the occasional roving skunk,” said firefighter Dusty Windbreaker, “but we weren’t ready for…whatever this is. Our gas masks fogged up instantly, and one guy swore he heard the cloud…giggle.”
Despite the growing skepticism, federal officials doubled down on their original narrative. “It is absolutely Canadian wildfire smoke,” said Environmental Protection Agency spokesperson Agatha Pootridge, standing at a press conference in front of an industrial-sized Glade plug-in. “We categorically deny that the source could be…human.”
By evening, the AQI had reached 420; a number local teenagers reportedly found “hilarious for multiple reasons”. Residents began evacuating en masse. Detroit’s downtown looked like a post-apocalyptic movie set, except with more Febreze.
Late Friday night, an anonymous source inside the National Weather Service leaked an internal report acknowledging “anomalous methane readings” inconsistent with wildfire smoke. The report described the plume as “suspiciously self-aware,” and satellite images allegedly captured the cloud making what meteorologists called “a victory lap over Lake Erie.”
In the end, experts may never publicly admit that the Midwest’s largest air quality emergency was caused by a single, history-making act of flatulence. But as residents trickled back into the city Saturday morning, one truth was undeniable: humanity had just survived its first Code Brown Air Event…and it stunk.
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