Americans Now Averaging 12 Hours a Day Staring at Rectangle of Some Kind
The final stage of human evolution: fully reclined, mildly enlightened, and surrounded by rectangles.
A new nationwide study has confirmed the inevitable. The average American now spends more than half their waking life locked in a meaningful, complex relationship with a rectangle.
Phones. Laptops. TVs. Tablets. Smart fridges. Gas pump screens. If it glows and is shaped like a Pop-Tart, we’re staring at it.
“We’ve entered what researchers are calling the Rectangular Epoch,” said Dr. Edna Scrollstein, lead screenologist at the Institute for Visual Fixation and General Numbness. “We used to experience life directly. Now we experience it as filtered, flattened rectangles served to us by algorithmic overlords.”
One man in Nebraska reportedly forgot what trees look like and now describes all outdoor scenery as “low-res background textures.”
12 Hours a Day: And That’s Just the Intentional Time
The study counted only conscious engagement with rectangular devices, meaning it didn’t include:
- Screen time while pretending to listen during meetings
- Passive doomscrolling before bed
- Mindless background TV while playing a game on a smaller rectangle
- Accidental reflection-checks on microwaves
- Guilt-fueled calorie tracking apps that reward you with screen confetti for logging a grape
When We’re Not Looking, We’re Looking
Rectangular influence doesn’t stop at sight. According to researchers:
- 82% of participants have phantom vibrations.
- 54% have asked someone to “zoom in” on a physical object.
- 19% tapped a paper menu to see if it would load.
In a follow-up focus group, one man was shown a mirror and asked what he saw.
He responded, “Probably an ad in 5 seconds.”
Industry Responds with More Rectangles
In response to the findings, multiple tech companies have pledged to fight screen fatigue by developing…new rectangles.
- SleepSquare: A soft-glow pillow with dream notifications
- WalkView: A wearable shoe-screen that plays TikToks while you walk
- FaceBuddy: A head-mounted rectangle that blocks your view of other rectangles so you can focus on this rectangle
“We don’t want to eliminate rectangles,” said one startup CEO while gesturing vaguely at his wall of iPads. “We want to optimize them for uninterrupted despair.”
The Bottom Line
We used to look up at the stars and wonder.
Now we look down at rectangles and get targeted ads for adult onesies, mushroom coffee, and something called “Emotional Resilience” with a 14-day free trial.
We don’t talk to each other, we text while in the same room.
We don’t rest, we recharge next to the thing that drains us.
And what’s worse? We’re starting to love it. We name our rectangles. We stroke them gently. We tell them secrets at 2 a.m. We thank them for telling us who we are, how to feel, and what not to miss while we’re too busy staring to actually live.
So go ahead. Blink.
Set the phone down.
Look around.
If the world feels flat and pixelated, it’s not because it is.
It’s because you’re watching it through a rectangle…again.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go check my screen time report and weep into a glowing toaster.
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