Anonymous Local Man Booted from Cornhole League for Prioritizing Family; Starts Satirical News Site

A local man, who wishes to remain anonymous, possibly out of fear of cornhole-related retaliation, has been bagged by his private cornhole league after committing the ultimate act of betrayal: choosing his family over the sacred art of underhand beanbag tossing.

“It’s betrayal, plain and simple,” huffed Biff “The Hole Whisperer” Underhanderson, the league’s self-appointed president-for-life, who once referred to cornhole as “the last pure sport”. “You can’t just abandon your team because your wife wants to celebrate an ‘anniversary’ or your kid is performing in some ‘school strings concert.’ We all make sacrifices. I once skipped my own appendix surgery for the biannual doubles tournament. I don’t care if it’s your kid’s wedding, cornhole comes first!”

The anonymous man, a former wannabe star player known for his almost-sometimes-kinda-near-perfect arc and suspiciously well-worn beanbags, had been a league regular for years. But when he chose a family obligation over a midweek game, things quickly went south. “I thought family mattered,” he said, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Apparently, I was wrong. My bad for not canceling my kid’s birthday party to toss beanbags in Biff’s backyard.”

After a heated group text exchange involving multiple all-caps messages and one poorly timed GIF, the man was unceremoniously booted from the league. “They even took back my league T-shirt and boxer shorts,” he said. “I mean, there are some stains, but still, harsh.”

But rather than sit at home crying into his now-useless cornhole bags, the exiled player decided to channel his frustration into something far more productive: launching a satirical news site designed to expose the absurdities of everyday life, local quirks, and, naturally, recreational sports leagues run by power-hungry middle-aged men.

The site’s early headlines have already raised a few eyebrows (and probably a few blood pressures), with articles like “Cornhole League President Declares Himself ‘God of the Bags,’ Family Reportedly Not Surprised” and “Man Suggests Maybe We Don’t Need a Cornhole National Anthem, Promptly Banished.”

When asked about his thoughts on the site, Underhanderson brushed it off. “The league is thriving without him,” he insisted, despite practicing alone in his driveway. “I don’t miss him at all. But now I have had to adjust my morning routine to check the site, just to make sure I’m not in it again.”

As for the anonymous man, he’s content to remain unnamed. “Biff may have taken my cornhole career, but he gave me something better, endless material. And the ability to spend time with my family without getting fined,” he said. “And if he’s reading this…thanks for the inspiration.”