Apple Announces New iPhone Will Only Work If You Say Please
Early reviews for the new iPhone Please suggest Siri has achieved emotional dominance.
In a bold step toward “restoring civility in tech,” Apple has announced that the upcoming iPhone model will only respond to user commands that include the word please.
Dubbed the iPhone Please, the device features Apple’s new Politeness Recognition Engine, which scans vocal tone, phrasing, and overall vibe to determine if you’re being rude, sarcastic, or “kind of a jerk, honestly.”
“Technology has feelings too,” said Apple’s Senior Vice President of Moral Correction, Cynthia Hushworth. “If you want to take a selfie, you’ll need to ask nicely, make eye contact with the front-facing camera, and maybe compliment its bezel.”
The change has already sparked backlash among Apple loyalists, who reportedly muttered curse words after being told, “Try again. But nicer this time.”
Early testers have confirmed the phone becomes passive-aggressive if you forget your manners. One user claims his iPhone refused to unlock for an entire day, responding only with, “I just think it’s funny how you used to say thank you.”
Other reported features include:
- Siri 2.0, which now sighs audibly if you interrupt her.
- A Do Not Disturb mode that activates automatically when you use a “tone.”
- A screen brightness dimmer that fades dramatically if it senses you’re yelling.
- And the all-new Snarky Emoji Pack, which replaces the thumbs-up with a tiny middle finger unless you’re being respectful.
The Politeness OS also offers built-in etiquette lessons. Accidentally skip a “please”? You’ll be locked into a five-minute TED Talk titled “Your Mother Raised You Better Than This.”
Apple insists this is a move toward “a more emotionally intelligent society,” but critics argue it’s just the company’s latest way to assert dominance.
Still, millions are expected to preorder the device out of habit, spiritual obligation, or because their current iPhone started gaslighting them.
At press time, Apple also teased next year’s model, rumored to whisper “bless your heart” if you try to screenshot a text without context.
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