AWS Outage Plunges World Into Chaos as Humans Forget How to Human Without Wi-Fi
Desperate times call for desperate takeout tactics.
It began at 3:11 a.m. Eastern Time, October 20, 2025. A tremble in the cloud. A hiccup in the hive. A disturbance in the data force.
Within seconds, humanity lost all sense of purpose. The cause? A massive AWS (Amazon Web Services) outage that took down websites, apps, smart devices, and, for at least one man in Boise, his pants.
“We were uploading banana memes as usual,” said Tilly, Wink Report’s Head of Digital Chaos, “and then the screen just…froze. Bob screamed. The coffee pot exploded. Diesel began praying in binary.”
Across the globe, society unraveled like a badly coded software update.
Stage 1: Denial
Citizens stared at spinning wheels of death, whispering, “It’s just my Wi-Fi. Right? RIGHT?”
Panic set in slowly. First came the futile router resets, followed by the sacred ritual of unplugging and replugging everything in the house, including the family cat. IT departments across the country were flooded with calls asking, “Is it just me, or is the whole internet down?” followed immediately by, “Wait, how are you even answering this?”
Neighborhood dads gathered around malfunctioning Ring doorbells like shamans interpreting smoke signals. Several groups attempted to hold Zoom meetings using mirrors and loud shouting.
One man in Atlanta reportedly stared at a blank smart fridge screen for over an hour before eating an uncooked Hot Pocket and whispering, “It’s not supposed to be like this.”
Stage 2: Regression
By 4:36 a.m., grown adults were calling their parents for help, despite not having done so since the ‘98 AOL login catastrophe.
Helpless and offline, they started recreating childhood activities: coloring with crayons, watching static on unplugged TVs, and asking each other what a “phonebook” was. Gen Z, meanwhile, entered a catatonic state after attempting to scroll their palms for TikToks that didn’t exist.
In an effort to simulate TikTok, a group of teens in Florida formed a human For You Page and took turns dancing and giving skincare advice while a confused uncle swiped them left out of the room.
A tech bro in San Francisco was found in a fetal position after trying to set a reminder using a dead Alexa and a Post-it note. “It didn’t beep,” he whispered. “How do I know it worked?”
Elsewhere, an influencer attempted to write a tweet by carving hashtags into a banana peel and throwing it at strangers on the sidewalk.
Stage 3: Collapse
With Slack, DoorDash, Netflix, and Tinder down, workplaces disintegrated into primal chaos. CEOs were last seen climbing onto ergonomic desks, yelling “I AM THE SERVER NOW!”
In New York, a woman was arrested for trying to Venmo her babysitter by tying dollar bills to a Roomba and whispering her bank password into a scented candle. In California, a yoga instructor attempted to manifest cloud restoration through chakra realignment and emotional ASMR.
Stage 4: Primitive Reboot
By noon, humans had begun drawing their favorite apps on pieces of paper and swiping them with their thumbs. One couple tried ordering lunch by yelling “Doordash!” into their mailbox.
Several Millennials were hospitalized for attempting to communicate using vocal cords.
Meanwhile, Amazon spokesbot Janet Waitlist issued a statement: “AWS services are temporarily down. In the meantime, please enjoy the authentic experience of waiting for life to resume.”
Experts warn the outage could happen again unless we store essential knowledge offline, like how to cook without YouTube or find the North Star without asking Siri.
Until then, society teeters on the edge of a buffering wheel.
And somewhere, Jeff Bezos, possibly a robot, is watching it all unfold, sipping cold brew from a USB stick, and whispering, “They’re not ready.”
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