Baldwin Crashes Wife’s Car, Blames Whale-Truck and Big Fat Tree. Plot Twist: He’s Fine
The moment nature fought back: Local tree unimpressed by Alec Baldwin’s “garbage truck dodge” excuse.
In an event that has shaken the Hamptons to its core (or at least mildly annoyed brunch-goers at Le Croissant Pretentious), Alec Baldwin has once again made headlines. This time not for yelling on set or mistaking a camera for a confessional, but for colliding with what he has now deemed “an unusually aggressive tree.”
The incident occurred early Monday morning when Baldwin was seen behind the wheel of his wife Hilaria’s luxury Range Rover, reportedly headed to buy “artisanal almond-milk fog lattes” before a mid-morning scowl appointment. Witnesses say the vehicle swerved wildly before lodging itself in the side of a tree with the force of an ego unchecked.
Baldwin emerged unscathed, though sources say the Range Rover did not. “I crushed my wife’s car,” Baldwin allegedly muttered to onlookers while adjusting his scarf and blaming “a whale-sized garbage truck” for forcing him off the road. When asked where said garbage truck went, Baldwin waved his arms vaguely and muttered something about “media manipulation” and “garbage-fueled conspiracy.”
Naturally, the tree could not be reached for comment, though reports confirm it has been a quiet, well-rooted member of the Hamptons ecosystem for over 50 years.
In a since-deleted Instagram Reel, Baldwin explained the crash in a 14-minute monologue filmed entirely in portrait mode, wherein he blamed:
- The “aggressive curvature” of East Hampton roads
- Sunlight reflecting off his oat-milk latte
- The Range Rover’s “suspiciously sensitive brakes”
- The paparazzi drone that may or may not have existed
- And finally, “the tree, which leapt out like a green sniper”
In an ironic twist, the Range Rover was a gift from Hilaria after Baldwin promised to “stop calling people peasants” on Twitter. Sources say the couple is now considering trading in the SUV for a tank, or possibly just moving to a dimension where trees have airbags.
As of press time, Alec has offered no formal apology, except to his scarf, which was tragically wrinkled during the incident.
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