Billionaires Lobby for “Income Inequality Appreciation Day” National Holiday
To ensure they remain the true heroes of capitalism, a coalition of America’s top billionaires has officially lobbied for a new national holiday: Income Inequality Appreciation Day. The proposal, which has already gained momentum in the halls of power (and on private yachts), would give the ultra-wealthy the recognition they truly deserve for their unwavering commitment to financial disparity.
“We’ve spent years building empires, dodging taxes, and funding the very systems that keep us at the top,” said Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon and self-appointed spokesperson for the billionaire cause. “Now, it’s time to celebrate the beautiful gap between the rich and the rest of you. We’re all about inclusion. Just, you know, the kind that keeps us in exclusive clubs and you in line at the DMV.”
The holiday would be celebrated on the third Friday of every November, coinciding perfectly with Black Friday shopping, when the 99% will be encouraged to buy even more stuff they don’t need at prices that are somehow still too high. In honor of the day, corporate sponsors like Tesla, Google, and Bank of America will sponsor “exclusive” events. The catch? You can’t attend unless you’ve purchased at least $50,000 in merchandise from the brands beforehand, something every self-respecting billionaire certainly already does.
The holiday’s festivities will include a ceremonial “We Are the 1%” parade, where the wealthy will ride on golden floats pulled by self-driving electric vehicles, waving down at the crowd below, who will be busy trying to figure out how to afford health insurance, college tuition, large enough homes, and enough food to feed their measly family.
“It’s about time we got the recognition we deserve,” said Mark Zuckerberg, adjusting his Facebook status to “It’s complicated with the working class.” “We may not be the ones keeping the lights on, but we certainly know how to turn them off when it’s time to give our quarterly earnings report.”
The proposal has been met with widespread confusion, yet surprisingly little opposition. That is, until a billionaire accidentally spilled champagne on a protester, sparking a nationwide debate about whether or not “grapes” are inherently political.
Stay tuned for updates. Or don’t. There’s no rush.
About The Author
