Chicago Bears to Use Magic 8-Ball for Coaching Decisions in 2025
The Chicago Bears, still reeling from their Thanksgiving debacle against the Detroit Lions, have turned to an unlikely source for guidance: a Magic 8-Ball. The decision comes just days after the firing of Head Coach Matt Eberflus, who reportedly “forgot” to use the team’s final timeout during a crucial 30-second stretch, smothering their chances for a win, or at least a tie at the end of regulation, leading to a Lions victory and yet another holiday ruined for Bears fans.
“We needed a fresh approach,” said General Manager Ryan Poles during a somber press conference. “After reviewing the tape and consulting absolutely no experts, it became clear that human decision-making just isn’t working for us. So, we’re shaking things up—literally.”
The Magic 8-Ball, now considered an honorary team member, will handle all coaching decisions, including play-calling, roster moves, and whether or not to challenge penalties. During the announcement, a staff member demonstrated its powers by asking, “Should we attempt a field goal from 68 yards out?” The ball’s reply—“Don’t count on it”—was met with cheers from the assembled fans, many of whom were wearing T-shirts reading “I Survived Eberflus” and “Still Waiting Since ‘86”.
Players seem cautiously optimistic. Justin Fields remarked, “I mean, it’s got to be better than not using a timeout when you have one. At least the ball won’t overthink it.” Meanwhile, defensive captain Tremaine Edmunds suggested adding a second Magic 8-Ball specifically for two-minute drills.
The coaching vacancy has yet to be filled, but rumors suggest the Bears may hire a “Magic 8-Ball Whisperer” to interpret its cryptic advice. “This is a long-term investment,” Poles assured reporters. “We’re building a foundation of unpredictability and, hopefully, mediocrity.”
Despite the chaos, Bears fans remain unfazed. “We’ve suffered through worse,” said one die-hard supporter while shaking a miniature Magic 8-Ball of his own. Its answer? “Better not tell you now.”
Vegas oddsmakers have already adjusted their lines, making the Bears 5-to-1 favorites to set a new NFL record for “most questionable decisions per game.”
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