Americans Admit They Don’t Want to Be Rich, Just Comfortable Without a Side Hustle
“All this, just to afford guacamole and peace.”
In a revelation that has devastated yacht brokers and mildly confused Tony Robbins, a new survey reveals that most Americans no longer want to be rich. They just want to be comfortable. Not yacht-and-private-island comfortable. Not seven-figure passive income comfortable. Just…“buy avocados without guilt” comfortable.
The study, conducted by the Institute of Obvious Studies, found that Americans have quietly downgraded their version of success from “generational wealth” to “rent paid, fridge full, one job.”
“I don’t need to be rich,” said one respondent while calculating how many Pay Later payments they still owe on a couch. “I just want to go to the dentist without taking out a loan or a second identity.”
Side hustles, once glorified as empowering tools of entrepreneurial freedom, are now being described as “emergency income escape pods disguised as hobbies.” When asked if they enjoy monetizing their passions, 76% of respondents sighed so loudly the surveyor’s iPad cracked. Another 18% just whispered, “I used to paint.”
Social media influencers, upon hearing the news, scrambled to release sponsored videos reminding followers that “financial freedom is just a mindset,” shortly before jetting off to a villa they didn’t pay for to film a morning routine involving seven hours of meditation and a smoothie made of regrets and collagen.
At one point during the data collection, Walter Winkwink interrupted the proceedings by screaming, “WE SHOULDN’T NEED MULTIPLE JOBS TO BE CONSIDERED STABLE. I CAN’T EVEN AFFORD THERAPY TO PROCESS THE FACT THAT I CAN’T AFFORD THERAPY.” He was quickly removed, although several researchers reportedly nodded in solidarity.
The survey also found that the real American dream now includes:
- Paying bills without panic.
- Having one job that doesn’t feel like three.
- Not having to explain your income strategy in a TikTok voiceover.
Perhaps most shockingly, nearly half of all respondents admitted they’d happily trade dreams of luxury for the chance to just sit down in peace, without a branded planner, a monetized morning routine, or a pop-up ad asking if they’ve thought about flipping real estate.
In response, billionaires released a joint statement urging everyone to “stop being so negative and consider investing in yourself,” assuring the public that comfort builds character, struggle is motivational, and everything is working exactly as designed, followed by an NFT giveaway no one asked for.
At press time, the revised American Dream simply read:
“One job. One home. One hour of peace. And maybe, if we’ve behaved, an appliance that doesn’t require monthly payments or a subscription to operate.”
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