Corporate Giants Merge to Form Monopoly Inc.: Board Game Now a Documentary

In a groundbreaking move that economists are calling “the logical conclusion of unchecked capitalism,” Amazon, Walmart, Google, Disney, and Microsoft have announced their official merger into a single corporate entity: Monopoly Inc. The Federal Trade Commission (FTC) attempted to intervene but was quickly distracted by a free six-month subscription to Amazon Prime and a complimentary Disney+ bundle.

The merger, estimated to be worth “all the money in circulation and then some,” means that Monopoly Inc. will control nearly every aspect of daily life, from groceries to streaming services to that weird urge to buy something you don’t need at 2 am. CEO Jeff “Monopoly Man” Bezos, newly appointed Supreme Leader of Commerce, addressed concerns at a press conference held at the newly renamed MickeySoft Prime Towers.

“Look, people already use us for everything, so why pretend anymore? Now, instead of choosing between Amazon or Walmart, you can enjoy the convenience of knowing we own both. Competition was exhausting, anyway.”

The merger has turned the classic board game Monopoly from a fun, rage-inducing family activity into an instructional documentary. Hasbro has announced an updated version of the game featuring real-life consequences, such as automatic overdraft fees when you land on Boardwalk, pop-up ads when passing Go, and Disney requiring you to take out a second mortgage to afford a hotel on Park Place.

Small businesses have expressed concern, but Monopoly Inc. has assured them they’ll still have a place in the economy, specifically, as charming historical landmarks in corporate-owned museums. “We love small businesses,” said Microsoft spokesperson Clippy (yes, he’s back). “They provide that rustic, vintage feel to an otherwise sleek, futuristic dystopia.”

Meanwhile, customers are adjusting to the new reality. Amazon packages now arrive before you even order them, Google search results have been replaced with sponsored memories, and Walmart’s self-checkout now requires a DNA sample. In response to criticism, Monopoly Inc. has promised to be more customer-friendly by offering Monopoly money as real currency, accepted exclusively at Monopoly Inc. establishments.

Capitalism has officially passed Go. And yes, it collected way more than $200.