Death of a Coin: Penny Declared Legally Useless, Sent to Live on a Farm Upstate
Millennial cashier stunned as customer attempts to pay with ancient currency now outlawed by modern civilization.
The United States has finally put the penny out of its copper-clogged misery, officially ending its circulation after decades of being the coin equivalent of a participation trophy.
According to the U.S. Mint, each penny cost 3.7 cents to produce, which is also roughly the same cost as the average American’s remaining faith in the economy. “We’re hemorrhaging money minting these little metallic disappointments,” explained Treasury spokesperson Janet Waitlist, speaking from behind a giant pile of commemorative Susan B. Anthony dollars no one asked for.
The decision comes after years of debates, spreadsheets, and one poorly-attended town hall where a man in a top hat screamed “LINCOLN DESERVES BETTER!” before collapsing from a Werther’s Original sugar crash.
Retailers are already adjusting. Dollar stores will now round up to $27. Gas stations will continue to charge $2.99 and 9/10ths, but will now add a courtesy slap to the face for emotional closure.
“I had a jar of pennies I was saving for retirement,” said Gary Quibbs of Akron, Ohio. “Now it’s just 11 pounds of betrayal.”
The emotional toll has been particularly severe for elderly relatives who insist on giving children 37 cents in birthday cards, and toddlers who now have nothing to swallow when left unsupervised at the checkout lane.
Meanwhile, Big Nickel has suspiciously remained silent. Critics claim this is part of a slow, calculated currency coup. First the penny, next the dime, and eventually we’ll all be bartering for Cheez-Its with commemorative quarters from the Great State Quarter Glut of ‘99 -‘08.
Local hoarders have begun copper-smelting in anticipation of the “Great Rounding,” a predicted economic collapse triggered when prices round up and humanity loses its last shred of numerical trust. “First they take the penny, next they take our ¼ tank of gas pricing structure,” warned one man while fashioning a belt out of Wheat Cents.
To commemorate the occasion, a nationwide ceremony will be held behind a CVS, where a single red-white-and-blue plastic tray labeled “Leave a Penny/Take a Penny” will be buried in a cardboard box formerly used for expired Easter candy.
At press time, Abraham Lincoln’s profile was seen slowly sliding off the coin, whispering “I freed the slaves and THIS is the thanks I get?”
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