Disney’s Snow White Remake: Seven Dwarfs File for Unemployment Amid CGI Takeover

BURBANK, CA – In what critics are calling a tragic yet inevitable consequence of Hollywood’s relentless pursuit of digital perfection, the beloved Seven Dwarfs have officially filed for unemployment following Disney’s decision to replace them with CGI characters in the upcoming Snow White remake.

“We never saw it coming,” said Grumpy, who was ironically the most optimistic about job security. “One day, we’re mining for diamonds. The next, we’re mining for job listings on LinkedIn.”

The decision to digitally render the iconic characters has sparked outrage from both traditionalists and short-statured labor unions, who argue that Disney has once again prioritized profit over practical effects and, more importantly, over paying real actors. “First, they took our jobs,” said a teary-eyed Doc. “Next, they’ll take our likenesses and use AI to make us say things like, ‘Wow, Disney+ is the best value in streaming!’”

The dwarfs, who now simply refer to themselves as “The Unemployed Seven”, have begun exploring alternative career options. Sleepy was last seen napping in a Costco parking lot, Bashful started an unsuccessful OnlyFans, and Happy, refusing to acknowledge reality, is aggressively pitching a reality show called Mining for Love.

Meanwhile, Dopey, often underestimated due to his lack of dialogue, has emerged as the group’s savviest businessman. “I’m launching a cryptocurrency called DwarfCoin,” he revealed. “It’ll have real value, unlike my Disney contract.”

Despite their legal efforts to sue Disney for wrongful termination, their case took a hit when it was revealed that their contracts, last signed in 1937, included a loophole allowing Disney to “replace any and all animated or live-action entities with CGI or corporate synergy at the company’s discretion.”

Representatives for Disney defended their decision, stating, “The new CGI dwarfs are more diverse, inclusive, and, most importantly, don’t require snack breaks.”

As the dust settles, the Unemployed Seven have been spotted picketing outside Disneyland, waving signs reading “Small Roles Matter” and “Don’t Let AI Whistle While You Work.”

In unrelated news, Disney announced that the Evil Queen will now be played by a hologram of Walt Disney himself, pending legal approval from the cryogenics lab.