Drivers Brace for Frosty Mayhem in City’s No-Salt Experiment

STERLING HEIGHTS, MI – In a move that screams, “What could possibly go wrong?” Sterling Heights has boldly announced that roads built or repaired within the last three years will no longer be salted during winter. Officials assure residents this will “save the roads” from early deterioration while simultaneously encouraging a thrilling new winter sport: sliding to work.

City engineers claim this initiative will prolong the life of freshly paved roads, ensuring they remain pristine for future generations (who, coincidentally, will be stuck in traffic due to ice-induced fender benders). “We’re not neglecting safety,” stated one official while wearing a helmet indoors, “we’re just prioritizing fiscal responsibility over the minor inconvenience of widespread vehicular chaos.”

The city anticipates saving a whopping $3.72 per pothole annually with this ingenious plan, which will undoubtedly go straight into the “road beautification” fund, or as critics call it, “Mayor’s Mystery Margarita Account.”

In response, residents have already begun panic-buying snow tires, chains, and sled dogs. Local driving schools have pivoted their curriculum to focus on ice-drift maneuvers and emergency braking on untreated black ice. One resident remarked, “I always wanted to live in an Olympic bobsledding training ground. Thanks, Sterling Heights!”

Some residents, of course, have raised concerns. “This will make our roads dangerous and our insurance premiums skyrocket!” exclaimed Karen from the PTA, who has already scheduled a protest at City Hall (pending road conditions). However, city leaders remain unfazed. “What’s a few extra spinouts compared to the joy of smoother pavement in five years?” a spokesperson rhetorically asked, before sliding out the door.

To counter fears, the city is launching an educational campaign titled “Embrace the Ice: A Guide to Winter Zen,” encouraging citizens to “channel their inner penguin” and view icy streets as an opportunity to slow down, permanently.

In the meantime, residents are advised to carry sand, cat litter, and a sense of humor in their vehicles. Remember: nothing screams “community safety” like sacrificing it to save a buck.