Eggistential Crisis: Paying Extra for Chickens to Enjoy Open Mic Night

In the latest episode of “How Can We Make Groceries More Ridiculous?”, the humble egg, once a symbol of frugality and protein-packed hope, has become a luxury item, thanks to “cage-free” requirements. These chickens aren’t just free from cages; they’re apparently living in utopian communes, sipping oat milk lattes and attending open mic poetry nights.

“Cluck me,” said a disheartened shopper, staring at a $9 carton of eggs. “I just want an omelet, not a private performance from the chickens’ improv troupe.”

The push for cage-free eggs was marketed as a victory for animal rights. But behind the curtain, it’s just another scheme cooked up by the wealthy elite, who now moonlight as chicken rights activists. “We’re ensuring these chickens can express themselves freely,” said billionaire egg tycoon Thurston Eggsworth III, while polishing his monocle with a hundred-dollar bill. “After all, a chicken that writes haikus lays a richer yolk.”

Reports indicate that these chickens now roam pastures larger than some Manhattan apartments, have access to meditation classes, and engage in nightly jam sessions. “We want our hens to feel like artists, not egg machines,” a farmer-turned-aspiring life coach explained. “If a chicken wants to lay eggs while listening to Bon Iver, who am I to stop her?”

The result? Skyrocketing egg prices and bewildered consumers who are now questioning life while deciding between a mortgage payment or a dozen organic, cage-free eggs.

“I heard these chickens get farm-to-table meals,” said one shopper. “I’m out here eating ramen, and they’re dining on quinoa.”

Meanwhile, regular eggs, those laid by “uncreative” chickens, are being ostracized from grocery stores. “You can still find them on the black market,” whispered a shady man in the parking lot. “Three bucks a dozen. Don’t tell PETA.”

So, next time you scramble eggs, savor each bite. Somewhere, a chicken just finished her yoga class and is clucking into a microphone about how hard it is to find meaning in a world that wants to define her by her yolk.