Elon Musk Now Makes More Per Day Than Most Countries, But Sure, Tell Me to Budget Better

While the rest of us are clipping coupons and calculating if we can afford to go to the dentist without selling a family heirloom on Facebook Marketplace, Elon Musk just secured a pay package that makes Scrooge McDuck look like he runs a lemonade stand.

$1 trillion over the next 10 years.
Let’s break it down.
That’s roughly $274 million…per day.
Let that sink in.

That’s right. Every minute you’re waiting on hold with your insurance company, Elon makes more than your house.

How Rich Is Too Rich?

Elon is now so rich, his money makes money while he’s levitating inside a magnetic sleep orb that mutters compliments about his genius. He’s earning enough daily to:

• Buy every seat at a Taylor Swift concert, then cancel the show just to think
• Refund all of our student loans and still have enough left over to build a life-sized Lego replica of Mars
• Or finally do what he’s always dreamed of: launch the working class into low orbit so they stop complaining

And yet, we’re still being told it’s our fault we can’t afford rent.

“Just cut back on subscriptions,” says the same internet that charges $38.99/month to show you ads for products you can’t afford and that came with a pop-up that read, “You sure about this, Champ?”

Financial Advice from the 1%. Hilarious, Unhelpful

The average American now needs a spreadsheet, two part-time jobs, 3 side hustles involving scented candles, reselling Costco muffins under a fake bakery name, hand-painted inspirational signs that say “Cry Less”, and a small miracle to survive until payday.

Meanwhile, here’s some timeless financial wisdom from the ultra-rich who think you’re poor because you bought a latte once in 2016:

• Just invest. Great. I’ll go dig some investments out of the crawlspace next to the expired Ramen and broken dreams.
• Wake up at 4am like successful people do. Amazing advice if your rent is due at sunrise.
• Take risks. Sir, I opened my last credit card bill while standing up.
• Cut unnecessary expenses. I’ve already cut streaming, heat, and emotional attachment to comfort. What’s next, oxygen?
• Don’t spend money on things that don’t appreciate in value. So…not groceries? Or socks? Or hope?
• Buy in bulk. Thanks, Jeff. I’ll just cram 700 frozen waffles into my studio apartment next to my student debt.
• Let your money work for you. My money barely texts back.

But don’t worry. Elon just made your yearly salary during a sneeze. By the time you finish reading this sentence, he’s made enough to buy every pair of pants in America just so no one else can wear them.

Shareholders Voted Yes While Actively Living in Their Cars

Tesla shareholders voted overwhelmingly in favor of the package, reportedly after a PowerPoint presentation made entirely out of memes, fire emojis, and a 32-minute video loop of Elon doing finger guns.

Meanwhile, one dissenting shareholder, who asked why the board couldn’t pay factory workers a living wage instead, was quietly escorted out by a robot in a tuxedo whispering, “We don’t do that here.”

Economists estimate that with his new pay, Musk could end world hunger in a long weekend, but instead he’s investing in artificial intelligence that recommends worse versions of tweets you already didn’t like.

Meanwhile, Back in the Real World…

When someone dares to tell you, “You just need to budget better,” feel free to respond with what we at The Wink Report now consider the official financial plan of the people:

Step 1: Scream into a banana.
Step 2: Sell the banana.
Step 3: Repeat until society collapses or you can afford a gallon of milk without making eye contact with a store employee and mouthing “I’m good for it.”

So yeah. Next time your bank account hits $4.17 and you wonder how you’re going to feed a family of four using a coupon for off-brand ketchup and one Hot Pocket…just remember…if you had simply worked harder, optimized your spending, and invested in emerald mines at age 12 like a normal kid, you too could be launching rockets with your name on them.

But sure, go ahead and cancel Netflix. That’ll fix it.

More Stories from The Wink Report

• Richest 1% Accidentally Buy Entire Concept of Hope, Jack Up Price
  These billionaires didn’t just buy shares. They bought the whole concept of hope and promptly marked it up like designer sneakers.
• Elon Musk Demands 8-Day Workweek to “Optimize My Chill Time”
  In a bold (and slightly delirious) craving for extra yacht‑time, Elon Musk has proposed an eight‑day workweek, complete with a brand‑new day called “Muskurday”, all in the name of “optimizing my chill time.”
• Hydrogen is the Future: Until Musk Finds a New Favorite Element
  Just when the world thought hydrogen was the superhero saving us all, Elon Musk flings on a cape and abandons the element like an expired battery, because evidently the periodic table hasn’t given him his next flavor-of-the‑month yet.

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Walter Winkwink

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