Emergency Alert System Now Just Screams “MOIST!” Every 20 Minutes
In an unprecedented response to this summer’s record-breaking moistness, the National Emergency Alert System has abandoned all pretense of helpfulness and now simply screams the word “MOIST” at full volume every 20 minutes across every device known to man, beast, and Bluetooth.
Gone are the days of coded warnings or polite beeps. Now, it’s just “MOIST.” Loud. Unapologetic. Moist.
“We evaluated several options; ‘humid,’ ‘damp,’ ‘air like soup,’; but in the end, nothing captured the sheer, clingy horror of the current climate like ‘moist.’ It’s short, visceral, and makes people squirm, just like this weather.”
“We evaluated several options; ‘humid,’ ‘damp,’ ‘air like soup,’; but in the end, nothing captured the sheer, clingy horror of the current climate like ‘moist,’” said FEMA spokesperson Janet Waitlist, speaking from inside a Ziploc bag. “It’s short, visceral, and makes people squirm, just like this weather.”
Citizens nationwide report receiving the moist alert in increasingly inappropriate situations: job interviews, funerals, hot yoga, a vasectomy consultation, and one unfortunate baptism where the priest thought it was divine intervention.
“My phone screamed ‘MOIST!’ in the middle of my wedding vows. We hadn’t even gotten to the part about ‘for wetter or worse.'”
The moistening isn’t limited to phones. Smart fridges are whispering it. Siri has stopped responding unless spoken to moistly. Alexa now ends every weather report with “…and it’s going to be moist. Moist. Mooooist.”
Social media is drenched. TikTok is flooded with reaction videos. A new dance trend, “The Moist Shimmy,” involves sliding across your living room in despair. Moist influencers are cashing in.
Meanwhile, scientists warn the moist index is climbing, currently hovering between “sticky sock drawer” and “inside a taquito wrapper.”
The government has assured citizens that the alert system will only escalate. Scheduled future warnings include:
- “MOOOIIIIST.” (elongated for emotional impact)
- “MAXIMUM MOIST.” (sponsored by Swiffer WetJet)
- And simply, a dripping sound followed by a whisper: “moist.”
Experts recommend staying indoors, hydrating, and yelling “MOIST!” back at your devices to assert dominance.
As always, we’ll keep you updated here at The Wink Report. Moistly.
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