Everybody’s Exhausted by the Present, So 2026 Is Officially Retro Season Forever
Local Gen Z resident attempts ancient ritual known as “cartridge CPR” while consulting landline spirits for guidance.
After careful societal review and zero public consultation, it has been unanimously decided by the Global Council of Emotionally Drained Individuals (GCEDI) that the year 2026 shall henceforth be known as Permanent Retro Season. Effective immediately, all present-day responsibilities will be converted into nostalgia-based rituals, and the future is being postponed indefinitely until further notice.
The decision comes after a harrowing multi-month trial period in which citizens attempted to remain in the present and deal with reality. Findings included a 600% rise in “sighing for no reason,” a record number of people Googling “how to emotionally hibernate,” and a TikTok challenge where participants tried to remember what day it was without checking their phone.
According to GCEDI spokesperson Tammy “I Miss When Phones Flipped” Randlebaum, the shift to retro was “inevitable.”
“The present has been emotionally bankrupt since mid-2020,” Randlebaum told reporters while wearing a Lisa Frank blazer and handing out Capri Suns. “We’re not saying we’re giving up. We’re just leaning way back.”
In accordance with the new directive, modern cultural artifacts are being retrofitted to feel vaguely vintage. Amazon has announced all packages will now arrive in Blockbuster VHS cases. Spotify now includes tape hiss in all playlists. And TikTok has introduced a “Sepia Mode” where every filter comes with a faint smell of Grandma’s attic.
Fashion trends are following suit. Middle schoolers are now ironically dressing like Y2K soccer moms. Men’s fashion is described as “90s Dad mowing the lawn but make it existential.” And children under the age of ten are legally required to carry a Tamagotchi as a basic life skill.
Even presidential speeches will now be given on VHS tapes slipped under your door. “It just feels more authentic when it takes effort to ignore,” said one voter while rewinding an address with a pencil.
Critics argue that fully committing to retro could prevent us from addressing climate change, economic inequality, and the existential dread of AI. But supporters say, “That’s exactly the point.”
The future, meanwhile, was last seen quietly slipping out the back door, mumbling something about “needing space.”
In the words of GCEDI’s official motto for the year:
If the now is broken, rewind. Forever.
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