Humans May Need Software Update to Use Their Phones

In a troubling new report released this week by the Institute of Obvious Studies, researchers warned that the average human brain may soon require a downloadable software update in order to remain compatible with modern smartphones.

The warning comes after multiple studies confirmed that phones are now receiving updates faster than their owners can emotionally process them.

“We’re seeing a growing gap between device intelligence and human intelligence,” said lead researcher Dr. Calvin N. Duh. “Phones are getting smarter every week, while humans are still trying to remember the password they created 11 seconds ago.”

According to the report, the average smartphone now performs over 6 billion operations per second, while the average human performs approximately three, two of which are sighing and opening the fridge again.

The problem became impossible to ignore after several users reported that their phones asked them to update, restart, verify, confirm, approve, authenticate, and agree to terms before allowing them to check the weather.

“I just wanted to see if it was going to rain,” said Michigan resident Carl H., who is still locked out of his phone after attempting to reset his email password. “Now my phone wants a code from another device that I can’t access because it’s on the phone I’m locked out of.”

Tech companies insist the updates are necessary.

“We are constantly improving the user experience,” said a spokesperson for a major tech company. “For example, our latest update makes the camera icon slightly shinier, moves everything you already knew where it was, and adds six new settings nobody understands.”

The report also found that humans are struggling to keep up with basic device features, including:

TVs that require three remotes, two apps, and a minor engineering degree
Cars that beep when you blink wrong
Refrigerators that connect to Wi-Fi but still can’t make ice consistently
Password rules that now require uppercase, lowercase, numbers, symbols, ancient runes, and emotional growth

Experts say the situation could reach a breaking point within the next five years.

“If phones get any smarter, they may start asking us to update,” Dr. Duh warned. “And based on current performance, humans will click ‘Remind Me Later’ forever.”

Researchers recommend that people begin preparing now by practicing basic survival skills such as remembering their login information, finishing a software update without panicking, and accepting that the printer will never work on the first try.

At press time, several phones were reportedly considering skipping their next update because their owners looked tired.