Family Joins 6 Subscription Services by Breathing

It started with a sigh.

“We were just sitting there,” said Trina Blinktwice, mother of three and apparent unwilling member of six premium subscription services. “My husband exhaled sharply. He had just found out the toaster wouldn’t connect to Wi-Fi again, and within minutes we got welcome emails for two newsletters, a meditation app for dogs, and a curated box of artisanal dental floss.”

Her husband, Doug, nodded solemnly from the couch, where he was attempting to unsubscribe from something called “GrownUp Lunchables Deluxe+.”

“I don’t even remember clicking anything,” Doug said. “I might’ve blinked too close to a QR code.”

According to financial records, the family is currently subscribed to:

PeachDrop – a $19.99/mo. subscription that delivers motivational peaches with affirmations etched into their skin.
ChairTime+ – premium access to tutorials on how to sit better.
Sighscribe – a white noise app that analyzes and monetizes your emotional breathing patterns.
Crate & Crate Jr. – a spin-off of Crate & Barrel, offering stylish boxes with nothing in them (but so chic).
Flossify – subscription artisanal dental floss made from sustainable disappointment.
Prime Extra Prime Prime – a bonus tier above Amazon Prime, only available to those who didn’t ask for it.

“It’s gotten out of control,” said Trina. “Last week I sneezed and apparently we now sponsor a goat in Idaho.”

Experts warn this is becoming increasingly common. “The subscription model is now entirely frictionless,” said a Stanford economist who wished to remain anonymous due to a lifetime subscription to Anonymous Quotes Weekly. “Soon, simply thinking about a product will trigger a 7-day free trial and a legally binding contract.”

We attempted to contact several of the services for comment. Only ChairTime+ responded, sending us a three-minute video of a man sitting in absolute silence on a stool.

As for the Blinktwice family, they’ve decided to lean in. “We figure if we just stop breathing entirely, we can maybe go back to free-tier life,” said Doug.

UPDATE: The couple has since been subscribed to a premium breath-holding community forum, billed at $4.99 per breath withheld.