Flat Earth Society Opens Office in the Round Building: Irony Reaches New Heights
In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through the scientific and conspiracy theory communities alike, the Flat Earth Society has announced the grand opening of its new headquarters in a decidedly spherical edifice: the infamous Round Building. This architectural marvel, known for its perfectly circular design and panoramic views of the horizon, now houses the organization dedicated to proving the Earth is as flat as a pancake.
The Grand Unveiling
The grand unveiling ceremony, held under a sky suspiciously lacking in visible curvature, was a spectacle of cosmic proportions. Attendees were treated to a buffet of delicacies served on perfectly level tables, speeches that ran in circles, and entertainment that included a tightrope walker who refused to acknowledge gravity.
“We are here to reclaim the truth,” proclaimed Flat Earth Society President, Orson “Orb” Thrixwell, standing in front of a massive banner that read, “Flat is the New Round.” “This building, with its circular irony, will serve as the epicenter of our quest to enlighten the masses.”
Architectural Anomaly
The Round Building, an architectural icon known for its futuristic design and advanced engineering, seems an odd choice for an organization that vehemently denies the very principles upon which such structures are built. The irony was not lost on the attendees or the society’s critics.
“This is like a cat opening a dog grooming salon,” quipped Dr. Isaac S. Naysayer, a prominent astrophysicist and long-time critic of the Flat Earth movement. “The cognitive dissonance is palpable. If they were aiming for irony, they’ve hit it out of the park.”
A Space Odyssey
The Flat Earth Society’s new office is situated on the 33rd floor, a number Thrixwell claims has no significant meaning but “feels right.” From this vantage point, visitors are offered a breathtaking 360-degree view of the city—though society members are quick to point out that the horizon remains stubbornly straight.
“Our view proves our point,” said Thrixwell. “Look out the window. Do you see any curvature? No. Case closed.”
To further drive home their point, the society has installed state-of-the-art flat-screen monitors throughout their office, displaying live feeds from various points around the globe—or, as they prefer, “around the disc.” These feeds, carefully selected to avoid any landscapes that might suggest a curve, include scenes from the Sahara Desert, the Great Plains, and, somewhat puzzlingly, the ocean.
Gravity of the Situation
One of the highlights of the new headquarters is the Gravity Room, a chamber where society members demonstrate their alternative theories of gravity. In this room, objects fall to the ground because, according to Thrixwell, “they’re tired of floating around.”
“Gravity, as it’s taught, is a myth,” explained Flat Earth physicist Dr. Stella Planar. “Objects fall because they seek rest. It’s not a force; it’s a preference. Much like our preference for truth over mainstream science fiction.”
The Gravity Room has become a popular attraction for visitors, though it has also attracted its share of skeptics. Dr. Naysayer, after a brief visit, remarked, “It’s like watching a magician explain that rabbits prefer hats. Fascinating, but utterly implausible.”
The Curriculum of Curiosity
In addition to their regular activities, the Flat Earth Society has launched an educational initiative aimed at schools and universities. Their curriculum, titled “Flat Facts,” is designed to challenge the “round dogma” perpetuated by conventional science.
“We’re offering an alternative perspective,” said Dr. Planar. “Students deserve to hear both sides of the story—the spherical fiction and the flat reality.”
The curriculum includes lessons on how to interpret satellite images, which the society claims are doctored by a global cabal of round-Earth propagandists, and how to conduct experiments to “prove” the flatness of the Earth. One popular experiment involves placing a level on a long table and observing that it remains flat from end to end.
“Simple, yet effective,” said Thrixwell. “No fancy equipment needed. Just common sense and a willingness to see the truth.”
Flat Earthers Around the Globe
Despite the inherent contradiction, the Flat Earth Society has chapters all around the globe. Members from these chapters have expressed their excitement about the new headquarters, with many planning pilgrimages to the Round Building to witness the epicenter of their movement.
“It’s a pilgrimage to the heart of our cause,” said Lars Flattum, president of the Norwegian chapter. “We look forward to standing in solidarity with our brothers and sisters, united in our quest to flatten the curve—literally.”
The Future of Flatness
Looking ahead, the Flat Earth Society has ambitious plans for expansion. They intend to open regional offices in other architecturally ironic locations, including the Leaning Tower of Pisa and the Guggenheim Museum.
“We’re also in negotiations to rent office space in a geodesic dome,” revealed Thrixwell. “The contrast will be striking, and it will help draw attention to our cause. Plus, we hear the acoustics are excellent for our meetings.”
The society is also planning a global tour, with stops at major landmarks that they claim prove their theories. These include the Pyramids of Giza (“perfectly level at the base”), the Bonneville Salt Flats (“the clue is in the name”), and the Great Wall of China (“built flat and straight”).
Critics Weigh In
Critics, of course, have been quick to point out the flaws in the society’s reasoning and choice of headquarters. Social media has been abuzz with comments and memes, with #FlatIrony trending worldwide.
“This is a masterclass in irony,” tweeted astrophysicist Neil deRound Tyson. “Flat Earthers setting up shop in a round building is like vampires opening a sun-tanning salon. You can’t make this stuff up.”
Others have taken a more serious tone, expressing concern over the potential spread of misinformation. “It’s one thing to hold an unconventional belief,” said Dr. Elara Orbital, a noted astronomer. “But to actively promote it in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary is irresponsible. Especially when they’re doing so from a building that embodies the very principles they deny.”
A Circular Conclusion
As the dust settles from the grand opening, one thing is clear: the Flat Earth Society has once again succeeded in making headlines. Whether they’ve advanced their cause or merely provided fodder for late-night comedians remains to be seen.
“We’re not here to win a popularity contest,” said Thrixwell, as he gazed out at the undeniably flat horizon. “We’re here to reveal the truth. And if we have to do that from within a round building, so be it. The irony only strengthens our resolve.”
As the sun set on the Round Building, casting long, straight shadows across the city, the members of the Flat Earth Society gathered for a group photo. Standing in a perfect circle, they smiled for the camera, united in their belief that, despite all evidence to the contrary, the Earth is flat. And for them, that’s the straight-up truth.