Flatulence Causes Cali Quake: Locals Call It “The Big One”
RIO DELL, CA — In a seismic turn of events, the Rio Dell power grid collapsed Thursday morning, and residents are blaming it on what experts are now calling “The Fart Heard ‘Round the State.” Local man Phil Odorblast has taken full responsibility for the blackout, citing an “unfortunate breakfast burrito incident.”
“It was the beans…and the hot sauce,” Phil confessed in a hastily called press conference held outside his heavily damaged recliner. “I felt a rumble in my gut and thought, ‘What’s the worst that could happen?’ Turns out, quite a lot.”
Seismologists at Humboldt University initially believed the 7.0 magnitude quake was caused by tectonic activity along the fault line. However, advanced gas-detection equipment quickly pointed to Phil’s living room as the epicenter. “This was no ordinary earthquake,” said Dr. Linda Sniffer, head of the Department of Olfactory Studies. “The sheer methane release was enough to trip the power grid and temporarily blind a few wildlife cameras.”
The aftermath has been catastrophic. Over 2,000 residents are without power, and local stores have completely sold out of air fresheners and hazmat suits. Rio Dell’s mayor has declared a state of emergency, banning bean-based cuisine within city limits.
Phil, for his part, is unfazed. “I’ve always been a guy who makes an impact, but this…this was next-level.” When asked if he’d consider a diet change, he shook his head. “This town might be mad now, but by next summer, they’ll want me fueling the town barbecue grills.”
Local residents are already petitioning for Phil to be listed in the Guinness World Records under “Largest Human-Induced Natural Disaster.” Meanwhile, Californians wait in the dark, praying that Phil skips dinner.
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