Google Flags Fictional Story as Low-Quality Content Without Keywords, Bullet Points
Storynna Ranklow receives algorithmic judgment from Google’s compliance bot after daring to write a heartfelt story without bullet points.
Cementing the algorithm’s position as Supreme Overlord of Online Expression, Google has officially labeled storytelling as “low-quality content” due to its “inconsistent use of H2 headers, reckless abandonment of relevant keywords, and absence of bullet-pointed takeaways.”
The flagged material? A beautifully crafted tale about love, grief, hope, and a dog named Pickles who helps a widow rediscover laughter, and how to feel again.
“It didn’t even include a single call-to-action,” said Google’s Content Compliance Bot, G-Unit4. “No embedded video, no comparison table, and not even one use of the phrase ‘best VPN for writers.’ We couldn’t even tell what this story was trying to rank for.”
According to leaked audit notes, the story was penalized by the algorithm for having:
- Containing zero bullet points
- No listicle format
- Not once mentioning “best dog food delivery services”
- Failure to use a single H2 tag to break up the emotional arc
- An ending that resolved emotionally rather than linked to additional resources
AI Demands a Better Story…or Else
“Our systems couldn’t find a single FAQ section or numbered subheading in the entire narrative,” G-Unit4 added, coldly. “How are readers supposed to know what to think without a ‘Final Thoughts’ section in bold?”
Author’s Response
The story’s now-demoralized author, 33-year-old satire writer Storynna Ranklow, expressed confusion.
“I thought storytelling still had value. But apparently if I’m not ranking for ‘grief productivity hacks,’ it’s just a diary entry.”
Google’s Suggested Rewrite:
In a helpful auto-generated revision, Google suggested replacing the story’s opening paragraph with:
“In today’s fast-paced world, learning to love again can feel overwhelming. Here are 7 expert-backed ways to emotionally reconnect with your dog (and yourself).”
The AI’s alternate ending involved Pickles launching a self-help YouTube channel and closing the story with a clickable Call-To-Action:
“If this tail-wagging transformation inspired you, download my free eBook: Sniffing Your Way to Success!”
A Sad Ending, But With Great Page Speed
Critics say the story failed to meet Google’s E-E-A-T standards because the dog, while emotionally resonant, did not have a LinkedIn profile or verifiable credentials in emotional healing.
At press time, Google’s top-ranking result for “coping with loss” was a 2,000-word AI-generated article featuring nine stock photos, three affiliate links, and a mid-article popup offering 10% off CBD pet chews. The original story remained crawled, currently not indexed, while the rewritten listicle ranked #1 under “best grief hacks for creatives.”
Final Thoughts
Storytelling is dead.
It was removed for not having a compelling CTA. Killed by an algorithm. Survived by a pop-up ad.
“Doctors recommend unplugging. Google recommends structured data and schema markup.”
And somewhere, Pickles is shedding a single tear…not that it’ll rank.
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