Headline-Only Reader Shocked to Learn Articles Contain Actual Information
Ah, welcome, noble headline skimmer. You’ve made it past the giant bold letters and actually clicked the link to read it, a journey 92% of your peers would consider “too much work.” Bravo. Please, rest your weary thumbs. Scrolling is hard.
But not you. You’re special. You’ve glanced at at least the first paragraph, which makes you a scholar by modern standards.
And yet, here you are, teetering dangerously on the edge of actual reading. Scary, isn’t it? All those words. All that context. You didn’t sign up for a reading marathon. You just wanted a six-word headline to validate your already cemented opinion.
But, and brace yourself, real articles contain real information. Painful, I know. Buried deep within these exhausting blocks of text are strange artifacts called facts and nuance. They’re kind of like headlines, but less convenient and significantly more likely to make you question your entire personality.
Of course, it’s not entirely your fault. Society taught you that thinking is optional and that strong opinions can be built on a 12-second glance. Why bother reading 300 words when you can form a life-altering worldview from seven?
Still, for those few brave enough to endure paragraphs, yes, multiple, there are rewards. Knowledge. Insight. Occasionally, jokes better than this one. We even offered $1,000 to anyone who finished reading the middle of this article. (We didn’t. But you didn’t read that part anyway, so who’s really losing?)
And for those of you nodding smugly because you liked this post without clicking the link, yes, we see you. You tapped that “thumbs up” like you just completed a triathlon of intellectual effort. Somewhere deep in your soul, you truly believe that liking a headline counts as engagement, and maybe, just maybe, learning.
It doesn’t. Liking the post without reading the article is the intellectual equivalent of clapping at the smell of a restaurant and never stepping inside. Satisfying? Maybe. Enlightening? Absolutely not.
Honestly, if you’re still here, blinking, confused, wondering where the TikToks are, congratulations. You’re now among the intellectual elite: people who realize that headlines are advertisements for articles, not replacements for thinking.
Now do us all a favor: share this article with someone who won’t read it. They’ll nod solemnly, like the headline on Facebook, and never get past the title.
Just like you almost didn’t.
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