High School Freshman Scores First Boyfriend, Dad Forgets How to Breathe
Romance on the field: a football player makes his move while Dad perfects his glare from the sidelines.
CLAWSON, MI – In a development that has emotionally destabilized an otherwise rational father, a local high school freshman has officially entered the dating world, accepting a relationship proposal from a longtime middle school crush who now happens to play running back for the school football team.
The boyfriend, whose athletic resume includes sprinting through defenders and, reportedly, “not saying much to parents”, asked the girl to be his girlfriend just days before the school year began, igniting a hormonal earthquake and a mild but sustained fatherly cardiac episode.
“I was prepared for algebra,” the dad muttered, clutching an old photo of his daughter in pigtails. “Not for a linebacker with biceps, good hair, and a jawline sharper than most number 2 pencils.”
The daughter, known for her volleyball skills and impeccable taste in higher-end retail therapy (see: Hollister, Sephora, and things you can’t touch without a rewards membership), allegedly had her eye on this boy since middle school.
“He’s kinda shy but he’s sweet,” she said, in a tone designed to either reassure or obliterate parental composure; the data is still inconclusive.
Initial reports confirm the two have shared multiple walks through the local park, several emoji-laced texts, and one emotionally significant Snapchat streak. The boy has not yet made prolonged eye contact with either parent, a fact that has led the father to question whether he is, in fact, invisible.
In response, the father has begun lightly shadowboxing in the garage, rewatching Remember the Titans, and installing a new motion-sensing surveillance system around the house, disguised as decorative squirrels.
When asked if he likes the boyfriend, the father offered a long, guttural exhale and replied:
“He hasn’t said anything dumb…yet.”
The mother remains cautiously optimistic, citing the boy’s athleticism, quiet demeanor, and relatively clean digital footprint. The daughter remains unfazed, offering only:
“It’s chill. We’re cool. It’s not a big deal”
But it is a big deal. Especially to a father currently Googling “discount chastity forcefields with Prime delivery” and “How to be a football assistant coach before Friday.”
As of press time, the dad has signed up to volunteer at concessions, purely by coincidence, of course.
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