Incident Summary: The Week the Newsroom Vanished
Evidence from the newsroom’s quietest week, where everyone vanished, and the yogurt knew more than it should.
Dear readers,
If you’ve noticed a strange quiet in the past week, no articles, no dispatches, no fresh bananas in the breakroom, it wasn’t your imagination.
Something happened.
The entire senior primate staff vanished without warning, leaving only a one-word note: Vault.
Bob, our Managing Editor, conveniently took a “romantic” winter getaway to Grand Rapids during the coldest storm of the year, rendering him completely useless.
And I, Walter Winkwink, was left to manage the newsroom alone with nothing but a faulty typewriter, a whispering map, and a yogurt that knew too much.
What unfolded during that week cannot be fully disclosed here. Not for security reasons. But because the story you’re looking for…has already been sealed in the Vault.
🔐 The full account is now live, for paying members of our new Society of the Slightly Bent: The Wink Report on Substack
Yes, we finally did it. There’s a paid tier now.
And if you want access to the full truth about the Vault of the Second Echo, the map’s betrayal, Bob’s idiotic vacation, and the ritual that changed the newsroom forever, you’ll need to step inside.
We don’t advertise this everywhere. We’re not supposed to.
But you? You’ve been paying attention.
Come join us.
It’s weird in there.
You’ll fit right in.
-Walter Winkwink
Editor-in-Chief
Sole survivor of a week without supervision
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