Kansas City Chiefs Officially Rebrand as ‘The Swifties’: Football Optional

KANSAS CITY, MO — In an unprecedented move, the Kansas City Chiefs announced today that they will officially rebrand as “The Swifties,” a nod to their real MVP: Taylor Swift. After months of speculation, the franchise admitted that its recent surge in popularity has little to do with football and everything to do with the pop star’s presence at Arrowhead Stadium.

“Let’s be honest,” said Chiefs head coach Andy Reid during a press conference. “We’ve got the lowest point differential of any team with our record. We’re barely scraping by, but who cares? Taylor’s up in the suite waving, and that’s what the people want.”

Indeed, Chiefs games have transformed into Swiftie conventions. Longtime fans in Patrick Mahomes jerseys are being outnumbered by attendees sporting friendship bracelets and “Speak Now”-themed face paint. Instead of traditional chants like “Defense! Defense!” the crowd now belts out lyrics to “All Too Well” (10 Minute Version) at pivotal moments.

“Travis Kelce could fumble three times, and we wouldn’t notice,” admitted Felicity Swiftbourne, a die-hard Swiftie who recently traded her Eagles fandom for a Chiefs sweatshirt after seeing Taylor in the stands. “I don’t even know what a tight end does, but Travis seems nice enough.”

Critics have pointed out that this Swift-centric strategy may be masking the team’s struggles on the field. Despite their impressive win-loss record, their games have been nail-biters, with a point differential so low it’s practically subterranean. Yet the franchise insists it’s all part of the plan.

“We’re shifting the focus from touchdowns to Taylor,” said Chiefs owner Clark Hunt. “Our goal isn’t just to win games; it’s to sell out concerts—I mean, games—and keep the Swifties happy.”

Rumors are swirling that next season, the team will ditch traditional uniforms in favor of sequined jumpsuits inspired by Taylor’s Eras Tour. And halftime shows? Gone. Instead, fans will be treated to exclusive, 30-second clips of Taylor sipping Diet Coke in the VIP suite.

One thing is clear: In Kansas City, football is no longer life. It’s just the opening act.