Legendary Spreadsheet Master Donny O Bids Farewell to Comerica Bank After 49 1/2 Years, Decides Enough is Enough
DETROIT, MI — The financial world as we know it will never be the same. Comerica Bank’s one and only Don Olszewski—affectionately known as “Donny O” to friends, co-workers, and the guy at the hot dog cart outside the bank—is officially hanging up his pencil. That’s right, after 49 1/2 years (because why hit the 50-year mark when you can make an ambiguous, accountant-approved statement with a pencil and paper?), Donny O is finally taking his exit from Comerica’s Vice President of Treasury Management position to spend quality time not managing anything at all.
The nearly half-century veteran has seen Comerica change, evolve, and try really hard to figure out what cloud computing is. But some things remain unchanged, like Donny’s deep commitment to his vintage collection of pencils, legal pads, and a “cutting-edge” adding machine. Ask anyone at Comerica, and they’ll tell you: Donny O and his immaculate pencil-drawn spreadsheets are the stuff of legend. And so, it seems only fitting that the legend himself would finally call it a day—not that he’s stopped calculating what would happen if he’d hit that clean 50-year mark. Maybe they would have given him a solid-gold pencil sharpener.
A Man of Tradition
Let’s be clear: Donny O didn’t leave because of a lack of love for banking. No, he just couldn’t bring himself to “drag and drop” like today’s kids on Excel. Word on the floor is that his most technologically advanced device was the electric pencil sharpener he got back in ’89. “If it ain’t broke, don’t upgrade it,” was his motto, a piece of wisdom he followed even as he sharpened the same #2 pencil for nearly five decades.
“I had to take a stand somewhere,” Donny confessed during his retirement luncheon. “When they asked me to use formulas that automatically summed up columns, I knew the bank and I were moving in different directions.” He went on to mention his disbelief at the concept of “Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V,” an idea he considers “way too automated” and borderline witchcraft.
But make no mistake, he’s not bitter. “It was a good run while it was Manufacturer’s Bank,” he told everyone in attendance. “Back in those days, you could get away with using dried-up coffee rings as decimal points.” If Comerica hadn’t merged and evolved, one can only assume Donny might have gone for the big 5-0. But times change, and so do corporate banks.
A True Renaissance Man…of the Old-School Variety
When he wasn’t crunching numbers, Donny could be found discussing his other lifelong passion: sports. An avid sports fan, Donny’s TV is on a continuous loop of professional wrestling re-runs. To him, Ric Flair’s “Wooooo!” is the equivalent of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. He even dabbled in fantasy wrestling leagues, though he admits that part of his dedication to the sport is purely to remind himself of how “real sports” should look.
“He had the best armchair insights,” says his wife, Sharon. “He could tell you exactly what that chair felt like, too, because he hasn’t left it during a single WrestleMania since the 80s.”
But sports aren’t his only pastime. Donny is a passionate fisherman—or, more accurately, a man who consistently goes out onto a lake to watch fish swim away from his bait. To the untrained eye, his choice of dried-up leeches might seem peculiar, but according to Donny, “Those fish are just picky. I’m offering them a refined taste of vintage bait. And when they’re ready, I’ll be here with my rod.” He claims to have landed “a real whopper” once, but no photographic evidence exists. Perhaps it’s the fish that got away—or perhaps it was just a suspiciously large branch.
As Captain of the annual fishing trip, Donny’s leadership is unquestioned. Though he’s toying with the idea of retiring from that role, rumors suggest his potential predecessor, Bob, is already rehearsing for the annual “I’ve got it, Donny” speech. “He can’t tell a pike from a perch, but he’ll stand there all day giving us ‘expert advice’ like ‘Let’s try the dead leeches again.’”
A Farewell Fit for a Spreadsheet King
In true Comerica Bank fashion, Donny O was honored with a retirement luncheon that, despite his protests, involved several speeches, a cake with an icing pencil, and a very heartfelt “Thank You” slide deck that he squinted at, not quite understanding what “PowerPoint” was. His retirement plaque, in keeping with his legacy, was engraved entirely by hand—by Donny himself.
“We couldn’t have asked for a more dedicated employee,” Comerica CEO Curt Farmer said, holding back tears (or, possibly, laughter). “Donny taught us that technology is just a tool, and sometimes, you don’t need it at all. Just a sharp pencil, a steady hand, and the patience to re-calculate a single row for six hours.”
The bank has promised to retire his favorite pencil in his honor, encasing it in glass with the iconic phrase “Some Legends Don’t Need Formulas.” They’ve also announced they will be replacing his position with three tech-savvy interns, all equipped with AI-powered financial tools and ergonomic chairs, in a move expected to save the company hours of manual calculations but cost them the “Donny O charm.”
What's Next for The Don?
Now that he’s free from the constraints of corporate finance, Donny plans to fully dedicate himself to the finer things in life. First on the list: spending time with his wife, Sharon, whom he calls “the true CEO of our household.” Sharon, who has patiently awaited Donny’s retirement for approximately 49 1/2 years, is reportedly thrilled to have him around. “We’ll see how long this fishing captain thing goes before I decide to retire him from that, too,” Sharon laughed.
But Donny’s retirement calendar doesn’t stop there. He’s excited to spend more time visiting his daughter, Dayle, and his grandkids in North Carolina, where he plans to impart valuable life lessons—like how to perfect the delicate art of hand-drawn spreadsheets and why you should always bet on red.
Speaking of bets, Donny’s thrilled to get back to casinos. Known for his signature method of “calculated gut instinct” (a strategy that has resulted in both modest wins and a few spirited recounts of “the one that got away”), he’s excited to spend more time rolling the dice, quite literally, outside of corporate risk management.
The more refined side of retirement for Donny includes weekly pedicures at Ritz Nails, where his feet receive the royal treatment. And once his toes are polished to perfection, you might find him at Meijer, critiquing produce prices or grilling the cashier about the weekly specials. Not to be outdone by his day trips to Meijer, Donny is also rekindling his passion for grilling, something he insists is “90% seasoning and 10% not getting distracted by a game on TV.”
Then there’s golf. A long-time fan of the game, Donny is excited to get more time on the greens, working on his short game, long game, and everything in between. His golf skills, much like his spreadsheets, rely on patience, precision, and a steady hand—though he’s been known to claim that the scorecards “are only a rough estimate, really.”
As if that weren’t enough, he’s also planning frequent outings to the movies, because, according to Donny, “you can’t get a big-screen thrill from an Excel chart.” Whether he’s catching the latest blockbuster or just enjoying some popcorn with extra butter, he’s finally getting his fill of big-screen magic without a single spreadsheet in sight.
The Legacy of Donny O
Though he’s leaving Comerica, Donny’s influence will remain. His colleagues have already commissioned a life-sized cardboard cutout of him to stand by the copier, reminding everyone to “always double-check your numbers.” His signature doodles, often a combination of charts, graphs, and the occasional fish, have been immortalized as well, with plans to create an “Olszewski Collection” of collectible bank mugs, baseball caps, and windbreakers.
The interns, who are just beginning their careers at Comerica, have been warned that they may never live up to the man who reportedly once calculated the national debt by hand in under 30 minutes. “It was my warm-up exercise,” Donny shrugged when asked about the feat.
For Comerica, the loss of Donny O marks the end of an era. But for Donny, retirement is only the beginning of the next chapter. “I’m going to calculate my daily fish-catching percentage, figure out the probability of catching a wrestling match rerun I haven’t seen, and run a full analysis on which couch cushion is truly the comfiest,” he said with a twinkle in his eye.
Farewell, Donny O, you pencil-wielding legend. May your future be filled with perfectly balanced checkbooks, fish that might actually bite, and the comforting hum of an electric pencil sharpener just a reach away. From all of us at The Wink Report and the Comerica community, we salute you. Wishing you, Sharon, and all the hypothetical walleye many happy years ahead. And remember: the world may be digital, but you’ll always be one analog legend.
Love it, good job Bob. Enjoyed it so much! Quit your day job and continue writing. 👍🏻
Sharon, I’m glad you enjoyed it. I’m trying to make this writing think work out! I’ll get there, for sure!