Local Man Credits Career Success to Following Advice from Fortune Cookies

Experts say it’s either fate or sodium-induced delirium. Either way, he’s loaded.

Chester Divinowicz wasn’t always a wildly successful entrepreneur. In fact, up until last year, he was just another sad office worker named Chester, drowning in emails and wondering if his 401(k) was just a scam designed to keep him from buying a jet ski. But then came the fortune cookie that changed everything.

“A great opportunity awaits you,” the sacred slip of paper read. Most people would chuckle and go back to their soggy General Tso’s, but not Chester. Chester took it as a direct order from the universe. He stood up mid-lunch, declared his resignation, and walked out, accidentally leaving his wallet behind, which he took as an additional sign to never look back.

With no job, no plan, and an unhealthy dependence on MSG-laced wisdom, Chester did the only logical thing: he started a business making premium fortune cookies for “high-performance individuals.” His company, OmNomens, exploded in popularity after venture capitalist Dirk Moneybags cracked one open and read, “You will invest in a groundbreaking startup today.” The check cleared within the hour.

“People say I’m crazy,” Chester said, wiping his tears of joy with a hundred-dollar bill. “But I just listen to the cookies. They haven’t failed me yet.”

Indeed, the cookies led him to a series of eerily accurate decisions: a Bitcoin investment in 2013, befriending a guy at Starbucks who turned out to be an angel investor, and launching a consulting service where executives pay $500 an hour to have their career paths dictated by deep-fried wisdom.

Not all predictions have been easy, though. His most recent fortune read, “A bold move will take you far; perhaps to Mars.” Within minutes, Chester had booked a meeting with SpaceX. Whether his next venture will be interstellar or just insane remains to be seen.

For now, Chester has one piece of advice for aspiring entrepreneurs: “Forget business school. Eat more takeout.”