Local Man Discovers New Species of Couch Potato in Home

BRIGHTON, MI – A Michigan man made what experts are calling a stunning evolutionary discovery, identifying what may be the laziest lifeform ever recorded, and it was living right under his roof. Hank Sigherson, 43, recently uncovered a new species of couch potato, though technically, it was found in bed.

His 13-year-old daughter, Emily, has spent the last 72 hours in her room, almost completely motionless except for the occasional flick of her thumb on her phone screen. “I thought she had gone missing,” Hank admitted. “But then I cracked the door open, and there she was, surrounded by a nest of blankets with the faint sound of TikTok videos and the unmistakable ‘oof’ from Roblox. I don’t even think she blinked.”

Biologists have classified Emily as Homo Lazius Adolescentis, a highly evolved version of the classic couch potato but with advanced digital symbiosis. Unlike earlier generations, this species has developed an unmatched ability to multitask across multiple screens while maintaining almost total physical inactivity.

“She was watching Netflix on her Chromebook, FaceTiming her friend, texting in three different group chats using only one thumb, holding entire conversations using only GIFs and emojis, AND playing Minecraft, all at once,” Hank reported. “Meanwhile, her body remained completely still, like she had entered some kind of teenage hibernation.”

Dr. Paige Scroller, an expert in adolescent behavior, has been studying this phenomenon, and warns that this species may already be spreading. “We’ve seen teens become more sedentary over the years, but Homo Lazius Adolescentis takes it to a whole new level,” she explained. “This species has an uncanny ability to survive on nothing but Takis, Ramen, and Dr. Pepper while mentally blocking out parental voices, responding only to ‘Dinner’s ready’ and ‘Wi-Fi is down.’ Parents nationwide are reporting similar cases, often accompanied by strange, guttural sounds like ‘Five more minutes’ and ‘Ughhh.’”

Hank, determined to reintegrate Emily into household society, attempted several interventions. “I tried luring her out with the smell of freshly baked cookies. No response. I tried asking her to come downstairs for a family movie, but she just rolled over and said, ‘Bruh.’ Finally, I just turned off the Wi-Fi.”

That, he said, was a mistake.

“She emerged like a cryptid, shielding her eyes from the daylight, demanding to know what happened. It was the first time I’d seen her out of bed in days.”

Scientists warn that Homo Lazius Adolescentis may soon develop the ability to order DoorDash independently, making parental intervention even more difficult. For now, Hank remains hopeful. “I just want to see her walk more than five feet in a day. But at this rate, I’ll settle for a thumbs up or a single blink of acknowledgment.”