Luxury Bunker Sales Soar as Billionaires Prepare for “Peasant Uprising 2025”
The ultra-wealthy have discovered that society may not actually adore them. As a result, bunker sales have skyrocketed, with billionaires scrambling to secure their subterranean sanctuaries ahead of what they fear will be Peasant Uprising 2025™.
Leading the charge in panic-buying is none other than Jeff Bezos, who recently acquired a state-of-the-art bunker beneath his Montana estate. Sources say it features an underground Whole Foods, a Prime delivery chute, and an Alexa-powered defense system that politely informs intruders: “I’m sorry, but you don’t meet the income requirements for entry.”
Not to be outdone, Elon Musk has reportedly invested in a Mars-themed bunker featuring artificial gravity, a personal Tesla tunnel escape route, and an emergency button labeled “Launch Self to Space”, just in case things get really dicey. “If the poors rise up, I can just leave,” Musk tweeted, before immediately deleting it and blaming an AI-generated deepfake.
Mark Zuckerberg, always one to connect people, has opted for a more meta approach, constructing a virtual reality bunker. According to Meta’s latest press release, Zuck’s underground hideaway allows him to “live safely in an algorithmic paradise, free from the inconveniences of real human emotions.” However, engineers warn that the bunker’s firewall may not be able to withstand actual human eye contact.
Meanwhile, Bill Gates, ever the humanitarian, has chosen a more science-forward approach. His bunker is reportedly stocked with a decade’s supply of lab-grown meats, vaccine prototypes, and AI-powered robot butlers who will remind him hourly that he is, in fact, still the most important person alive.
Experts say the bunker boom reflects a growing concern among billionaires that trickle-down economics has, for some reason, failed to trickle down. With economic instability, wealth disparity, and a generation of underpaid workers armed with mountains of student debt and pitchforks, the rich are doing what they do best: running away and blaming the algorithm.
As for the rest of us? We’ll be here, above ground, waiting for their Wi-Fi to run out.
About The Author
