Man in Physical Pain Insists “It’s Totally Worth It” After Diving for Ball No One Asked Him To
For 45-year-old Rob Crampington, Tuesday nights are sacred. Not for religion, not for trivia night, and certainly not for rest. No, Rob willingly sacrifices his body every Tuesday evening for three grueling hours of recreational volleyball, all in the name of “bonding” with his teenage daughter.
“It’s something we can do together,” he winced, speaking to The Wink Report while slowly applying an ice pack to his shin, lower back, and, somehow, earlobe. “Sure, I can’t walk properly until Saturday, but at least we’re making memories. Mostly memories of Advil schedules and groaning every time I sit down.”
The weekly game is played by a genuinely kind group, just a physically intimidating one. There are a couple of athletic teenagers who bounce like caffeinated kangaroos, a few thirtysomething cardio fanatics who consider marathons “light cardio,” and several retirees who, despite being older than Rob, dominate the court with the supernatural agility of people who play pickleball six days a week and treat stretching like a religion.
“They’re nice,” Rob said. “Just…alarmingly spry for people who carry Werther’s Originals in their gym bags.”
Last Tuesday, Rob attempted a full-body dive for a ball that was already well out of bounds, prompting one concerned spectator to yell, “Sir, please stop trying to impress your daughter. She’s on her phone.”
Despite the spasms, torn pride, and mysterious shoulder clicking that now accompanies every light breeze, Rob remains committed.
“I feel like I’m finally connecting with her,” he said, before pausing to audibly crack six vertebrae by turning his head slightly. “Even if she mostly just laughs and says I remind her of a Roomba with WiFi issues.”
Rob’s wife, Julia, has gently suggested he transition to something a bit more age-appropriate. “Like cornhole,” she said, “or sitting still.”
But Rob refuses to quit. “It’s about family,” he insisted, moments before icing his eyelid, “and also proving that I’m not old. Not technically.”
At press time, Rob was seen slowly lowering himself into a whirlpool bath while muttering “totally worth it” through clenched teeth and what appeared to be a mouthguard.
Doctors recommend stretching. Rob recommends denial.
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