Man Preps for Thanksgiving by Googling “How Long Does It Take to Thaw a Turkey (Asking for a Friend)”
Family realizes the turkey is still frozen solid, entering the traditional holiday phase known as “Emergency Ham Consideration.”
In what experts are calling “a seasonal red flag” and what his family is calling “deeply concerning,” local man Trent Huffins was reportedly spotted Googling “How long does it take to thaw a turkey (asking for a friend)” less than one week before Thanksgiving.
The phrase “asking for a friend,” according to search analysts, is a universally recognized cry for help, particularly when typed at 2:14 a.m., paired with a browser history that includes “what does salmonella feel like” and “how to tell if poultry is technically still food.”
Family members claim this is all part of Trent’s annual tradition: accepting the sacred responsibility of cooking the Thanksgiving turkey, instantly regretting it, panicking, and then entering what scientists describe as “a fugue state of thawing chaos.”
Experts warn that improperly thawed turkeys are responsible for 76% of Thanksgiving catastrophes, including “emergency ham deployment,” “ceremonial apologizing,” “rapid microwave interventions,” and the worst-case scenario, “that one uncle loudly announcing he saw this coming.”
According to the USDA (an organization that has clearly lost hope in humanity) a frozen turkey requires about one full day of thawing for every 4-5 pounds.
This means a standard 20-pound Thanksgiving turkey requires roughly the same thawing time as a mid-sized glacier.
Yet millions of Americans each year still convince themselves they can “wing it,” as if poultry obeys the laws of optimism.
To prevent another nationwide wave of undercooked shame, officials have issued the following guidelines:
- If you’re Googling how to thaw a turkey right now, stop. The answer is “earlier.”
- If your turkey still sounds hollow when tapped, you’re in danger.
- If you’re seriously considering putting it in the bathtub, don’t. No good story has ever started with “so I put the turkey in the bathtub.”
- If you reach the point where you’re carving the bird to microwave-sized individual pieces, know that you have crossed a line from which there is no return.
Trent, for his part, insists he’s “got it under control this year,” though sources confirm he has already Googled the phrase “mail-order pre-cooked turkey overnight shipping discreet packaging.”
America, consider this your warning. Start thawing now. Your future dignity depends on it. Your extended family depends on it. And your microwave, already traumatized by whatever happened last year, definitely depends on it.
Stay vigilant, stay thawed, and may your poultry be fully compliant with all known cooking laws.
More Stories from The Wink Report
- Family Devastated After Discovering After 45 Years, Grandma’s Secret Stuffing Recipe Turns Out to Be Stove Top All Along
After 45 years of allegedly “grandma’s special” stuffing, the family’s big flavor secret turned out to be…the red box on aisle 7. Who knew Grandma’s heirloom recipe was just her going wild with convenience? - Pilgrims Roll in Their Graves as Friendsgiving Replaces Family Gatherings Nationwide
Looks like the spectral founders of Plymouth Colony picked the wrong century, according to their ghostly spokesman, they “endured scurvy, hypothermia and a total lack of Wi‑Fi” just so modern millennials could trade mashed potatoes for themed charcuterie boards. - Black Friday Shoppers Train with MMA Fighters: “If You Can Survive the Octagon, You Can Survive Walmart”
Why wait for a price drop when you can ground‑and‑pound your way to the bargain bin? Black Friday shoppers are now practicing takedowns and joint locks in MMA‑inspired drills just to snag a TV.
About The Author
