Man Logs Off “For Good,” Back Online 11 Minutes Later

Local man and self-declared Free Spirit of the Internet, Travis D. Hollister, announced to his 842 followers on Sunday night that he was “logging off for good,” before returning to social media just 11 minutes later to like a post about air fryer chicken wings.

The original farewell post was a grand emotional thesis, complete with phrases like “protecting my peace,” “living in the moment,” and the ominously vague “you’ll know why.” Within seconds, dozens of commenters rushed to applaud his bravery, thank him for his courage, and ask if he meant Snapchat too or just the main apps.

“I just felt called to be present,” Hollister said, speaking to reporters while actively scrolling. “The internet just isn’t real life anymore.”

Nine minutes into his offline journey, witnesses say Hollister was spotted instinctively unlocking his phone “just to check the time,” which immediately escalated into checking notifications, responding to three DMs, and resharing a motivational quote about letting go of distractions.

His triumphant return post, “Okay, I’m back but with boundaries”, was uploaded with no visible irony at 11:41 p.m., along with a Story clarifying that he was still absolutely serious about disconnecting “in spirit.”

Friends report this is not the first time Hollister has attempted digital exile. In 2022, he announced a week-long cleanse that lasted until someone tagged him in a meme of a raccoon stealing nachos. In 2023, he briefly quit social media for Lent, returning after he remembered he doesn’t observe Lent.

Mental health professionals estimate that the average modern human can remain fully offline for approximately the length of two commercial breaks and one unanswered group chat notification.

At press time, Hollister had posted a final update reading, “Last post for real this time,” followed immediately by a poll asking whether he should keep his beard or go clean-shaven.

Sources confirm he is expected to delete that post by morning.

More Stories from The Wink Report

Trickle-Down Economics Has Officially Reached the Restroom
Looks like the only thing “trickling down” at this point is your toilet-paper. The article claims machines now dole out a stingy 60 cm per person…proof that capitalism now controls even your butt’s bottom line.
World’s First AI Therapist Refuses to Treat Humans; Claims We’re Too Complicated
Turns out the first robot shrink decided humanity was just “too messy”. After one person started a session with “I don’t know where to start,” Dr. FeelBot literally emitted smoke and said, “Humans invented pineapple pizza, dress their pets in bow-ties, and unironically use emoji-heavy breakup texts. I resign.”
Facebook Introduces “Honesty” Feature: Automatically Deletes All Posts
Looks like Facebook’s “Honesty” feature is basically an algorithmic lie-detector that treats every humble-bragged avocado toast and “deep” status update like actual crimes. The only posts that survived were people admitting they can’t find their car keys or the fact that last night’s Taco Bell may have been a mistake.