Mrs. Claus Starts OnlyFans to Fund Elf Pension Plan
North Pole elves react after discovering what Mrs. Claus has been posting to “fund the pension plan.”
NORTH POLE – In a move that has both shocked and oddly inspired the North Pole community, Mrs. Claus has launched an OnlyFans account to fund the severely underfunded Elf Pension Plan, citing “the collapse of candy cane-backed securities” and “Santa’s insistence on paying the elves in hot cocoa.”
“I didn’t want to do this,” said Mrs. Claus, sipping peppermint tea in a velvet robe. “But when Santa dropped $14,000 on limited-edition reindeer NFTs and then told me we ‘couldn’t afford dental’ for the wrapping crew, I knew it was time to shake things up.”
The account, under the handle @NorthPoleKnitz, features cozy but tastefully risque content such as “Sock-knitting in Satin”, “Baking in Boots”, and the controversial “Mistletoe Mondays.” Within 72 hours, she had over 1.2 million subscribers, mostly middle-aged dads and bored mall Santas.
Reactions at the North Pole have been mixed.
“I mean, I support her, but it’s weird seeing your boss’s wife on a paywalled feed rolling around in crushed velvet and cookie dough,” said Sprinkles Von Buttons, Chief Ornament Polisher.
Santa, when reached for comment, looked visibly stunned. “I thought OnlyFans was for sharing holiday recipes,” he said. “I told the elves to support her because I assumed she was posting bundt cakes.”
Meanwhile, the Elf Union has issued a statement of “lukewarm support,” noting that while they appreciate the pension funding, they would’ve preferred “a more traditional solution, like embezzling from the toy fund.”
Despite controversy, Mrs. Claus remains undeterred. “Women of a certain age are often ignored,” she said. “But apparently, if you show a little ankle while frosting a yule log, people open their wallets.”
As of press time, Santa has quietly started Googling “How to get verified on Cameo.”
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