Netflix Releases 100 New Shows; Subscribers Watch Stranger Things Again

In a daring move to flood our screens with more content no one asked for, Netflix has just dropped 100 new original shows. Titles include the riveting Extreme Gardening with Grandma, the avant-garde Jazzercise Jungle, and the sci-fi thriller Socks in Space (a gritty sock puppet drama set in a galaxy far, far away). But despite the avalanche of new content, viewers have made their priorities clear: they’re choosing to binge Stranger Things again, instead.

“I mean, what else are we supposed to do while we wait for the final season?” asked Ellie Nudge, a fan who’s on her 22nd rewatch. “At this point, I know more about the Upside Down than the Duffer brothers.”

Netflix’s attempts to distract viewers with shiny new titles have fallen flat. Early reviews of Zombie Yoga Retreat called it “a mess worse than Will Byers’ Season 2 haircut,” while Real Housewives of Mars has been deemed “the least realistic reality show since Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”

Meanwhile, the final season of Stranger Things remains in production purgatory, leaving fans to speculate wildly. “Will Eleven finally fight Vecna, or will she just get a job at Starbucks and call it a day?” Ellie wondered. “Honestly, I’d watch either at this point.”

Adding to Netflix’s woes, its servers have been failing as spectacularly as Barb’s pool party survival skills. During the Jake Paul vs. Mike Tyson fight in November, Netflix crashed harder than a Demogorgon into a brick wall. The Christmas Day NFL showdown between the Kansas City Chiefs and Pittsburgh Steelers wasn’t spared either, with viewers left staring at buffering screens instead of Mahomes’ flick and flip passes.

“Netflix spent billions on new shows but can’t keep their servers running,” tweeted one frustrated fan. “I missed the Steelers game, but at least I got to see a promo for Amish Ninjas: The Series. Thanks for nothing, Netflix!”

While Netflix insists that their 100 new shows will “redefine entertainment,” viewers are redefining their own weekends: endlessly rewatching Stranger Things and praying they live long enough to see the final season.

As the credits roll, Hopper’s gravelly voice echoes in fans’ hearts: “Netflix, we’re all stuck in the Upside Down…waiting.”