New “Trick-or-Treat Prime” App Lets Kids Order Candy Without Leaving the House
Why brave the cold or interact with neighbors when Trick-or-Treating can be outsourced from the couch?
In a bold step forward for convenience, laziness, and the continuing couchification of humanity, Amazon has launched a brand-new Halloween service. Trick-or-Treat Prime is the newest app that delivers Halloween candy directly to kids’ doors so they never have to, you know, walk, interact with neighbors, or put on real pants.
The revolutionary new app promises to “remove the outdated, analog hassle of door-to-door begging” and replaces it with something much more modern: a digital paywall and same-day sugar logistics.
“Why should kids have to physically move to receive candy?” asked Amazon spokesperson Janet Waitlist, while adjusting her barcode cape and sipping a Pumpkin Spice Latte. “With Trick-or-Treat Prime, we’re redefining community one microtransaction at a time.”
The Basic Package: Candy to Your Door, Spirit Not Included
For the Basic tier ($19.99 + service fees), kids select from a list of algorithm-approved candy bundles, then wait as a costumed gig-economy “Spooky Driver” delivers a pre-portioned bag of goodies to their home.
Children are encouraged to open the door, say “trick-or-treat” into a mirror (optional), and then close the door immediately because the human interaction part has been fully deprecated.
Premium Tier: FaceTime with the Driver for a “Realistic” Experience
For an additional $24.99 per child per hour (plus haunted surge pricing after dusk), the Premium package sends a certified Spooky Driver to physically go door-to-door in your neighborhood, trick-or-treating on behalf of your child.
The child may choose to watch via FaceTime, shouting “Trick or Treat!” from the couch while the driver holds up a laminated photo of them in costume to confused neighbors.
“It’s like Halloween, but outsourced,” said Waitlist. “Your kid still gets the experience and candy, without all the walking, weather exposure, or accidental encounters with other humans.”
Each Premium driver is trained in advanced doorstep banter and is equipped with:
- A collapsible pumpkin pail
- A laminated photo of your child in costume
- A script of witty one-liners to increase candy yield
All collected candy is scanned for safety, digitally logged, and vacuum-sealed before being dropped at your door within 30 minutes, unless they get invited to a really cool haunted house party.
Parents may also opt to add a “Neighbor Disguise Pack” for $4.99, allowing drivers to pretend to be a local kid (includes fake freckles and seasonal allergies).
Ultimate Tier: Includes Fake Porch Photos and Digital Candy Haul Stats
The Ultimate Spoiled Pumpkin Bundle ($49.99/month, cancel anytime in 2055) comes with:
- A digital slideshow of photoshopped porch interactions
- AI-generated compliments about your child’s costume
- A PDF report of their “candy haul analytics”
- A bonus sticker of Jeff Bezos wearing vampire fangs (limited edition)
Don’t Forget to Tip…Again
And yes. A tip is strongly recommended, even though the app claims “drivers are compensated fairly” (they’re not). The tipping screen suggests:
- 15% (“You don’t want to be cursed.”)
- 20% (“You’re a decent ghoul.”)
- 35% (“You hope they someday afford rent in a haunted economy.”)
Users can choose “No Tip,” but doing so prompts the app to display a photo of a disappointed skeleton holding an empty candy bucket.
A Sweet Future
Amazon reports that over 3.2 million households have already signed up for Trick-or-Treat Prime, with most parents citing “cold weather,” “busy schedules,” and “our neighborhood being weird about person-to-person interactions again” as top reasons.
Meanwhile, traditionalists continue to resist. One Midwestern mom, Velma Fudgworth, claims her children will be going door-to-door like “real kids, in the wild, like we did in the ‘90s.”
But for the rest of us? There’s an app for that.
And another subscription.
And probably a tip.
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