Officials Admit They “Forgot” About I-696, Were Busy Salting Office Sidewalk
I-696 on Thursday: Plowed only by nature, chaos, and poor decisions.
METRO DETROIT, MI – In a stunning yet somehow completely unsurprising revelation, state transportation officials confirmed Sunday that crews did not plow large portions of I-696 during a major snowstorm because they “kind of forgot it existed,” citing a hectic morning schedule that primarily involved salting the sidewalk outside their own building.
“We had a lot going on,” said MDOT spokesperson Janet Waitlist, standing in front of a perfectly cleared, aggressively salted government entrance that could safely host Olympic figure skating. “Someone brought donuts. Then there was a meeting about the donuts. Then another meeting about why we keep having meetings. Next thing you know, it’s 2 p.m., and I-696 just…slipped our minds.”
Drivers entering the freeway reported instantly transitioning from “normal winter driving” into what experts are now classifying as “live-action Mad Max: Snow Edition.”
“It was fine on I-96,” said one shaken commuter. “Then I got onto 696 and immediately saw three cars in ditches, two vehicles facing the wrong direction, and a minivan attempting what I assume was a religious offering to the median wall.”
Officials insist the lack of plowing was not negligence, but rather part of a “resource prioritization initiative.”
“You have to understand,” explained Waitlist. “Sidewalks near government buildings directly impact important people. Freeways mostly impact…regular people.”
According to internal documents accidentally left on a breakroom printer, plows were reassigned overnight to focus on “high-visibility morale zones,” including executive parking lots, decorative entrance paths, and the area where employees smoke while complaining about winter.
Meanwhile, I-696 was reportedly placed on a watchlist labeled “Probably Fine.”
Transportation analysts estimate the decision saved the state approximately $437 and 6 tanks of diesel fuel, money officials say will be reinvested into a bold new campaign reminding citizens to “drive slower and stop expecting things.”
“We really need to move away from this outdated idea that roads should be usable,” said one unnamed administrator. “That kind of thinking creates a dangerous culture of entitlement.”
The state has since announced a pilot program for future storms in which drivers will be encouraged to rely on personal grit, spiritual resilience, and whatever tires they bought five years ago on sale.
As of press time, MDOT confirmed they are “actively looking into” whether I-696 exists, where it goes, and if anyone actually needs it.
“We’re confident that by spring,” said Waitlist, “most of the snow will melt naturally, which is really the most cost-effective plowing method there is.”
Residents are encouraged to monitor road conditions, avoid travel, and consider simply staying home forever.
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