Pepsi’s “New Formula” Found to Be Just Old Coca-Cola; Shareholders Demand Answers
NEW YORK, NY – In what is being called the greatest betrayal in beverage history, PepsiCo’s much-hyped “bold new formula” has been exposed as nothing more than old, repackaged Coca-Cola. The revelation has sparked mass hysteria among soda enthusiasts, with lifelong Pepsi loyalists questioning everything they’ve ever known.
The scandal came to light after a suspiciously nostalgic sip prompted investigative journalist Lester Fizzybottom to send a sample of the new Pepsi formula to a top-secret soda analysis lab (which totally exists). The results confirmed the shocking truth: the so-called “new, revolutionary taste” is just Coca-Cola from approximately 2017.
PepsiCo executives were quick to deny the allegations at first, with CEO Rick Carbonelli calling the accusations “completely ridiculous.” However, things took a turn when a disgruntled former employee, speaking under the alias “Mr. Pibb,” leaked internal emails revealing the full scheme.
According to the leaked documents, Pepsi’s research and development team had spent years attempting to create a new formula that would “finally end the Cola Wars once and for all.” However, after repeated failures, including flavors like “Extra Citrus Jalapeño” and “Vanilla Ranch”, they reportedly panicked and settled on the one formula that had already beaten them in sales for decades: classic Coca-Cola.
“We really thought no one would notice,” admitted an anonymous Pepsi executive. “We changed the label, slapped on some marketing buzzwords, and called it a day. Frankly, we’re shocked it took this long for people to figure it out.”
The scandal has left devoted Pepsi drinkers feeling betrayed. “I feel sick,” said Greg Bluedew, a self-proclaimed Pepsi superfan. “Not from the soda, but from the lies.”
Meanwhile, Coca-Cola has responded with a simple yet savage statement: “Told you.”
PepsiCo stock has plummeted as lawsuits pour in, with one particularly aggressive legal team demanding “at least one free can of real Pepsi per customer” in reparations.
As the corporate fallout continues, one thing remains clear: the Cola Wars may never be the same again.
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